The sadists responsible for the painfully unfunny DATE MOVIE (2006) are back, and this time they've outdone themselves: This theater-clearer is even less amusing than its terrible predecessor, a spoof so devoid of laughs it can no longer be categorized as a comedy. This time around, the idea is to satirize recent blockbuster movies — clearly the filmmakers have no idea what the term "epic" actually means; someone should tell them it has nothing to do with the box office — many of which you had no desire to see in the first place.
The thin plot on which hang thin parodies of NACHO LIBRE, CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY, SNAKES ON A PLANE, X-MEN, et al concerns four adult orphans — dim-witted Lucy (Jayma Mays), sassy Susan (Faune Chambers), lily-livered Peter (DATE MOVIE's Adam Campbell) and randy wannabe-wrestler Edward (Kal Penn, who seriously needs a new agent) — who are all invited to tour the mysterious candy factory operated by eccentric Willy (Crispin Glover). Once inside, they discover that they're to be used as ingredients in the mad chocolatier's cannibal confections, and after being mutilated and branded with a big letter "W" (seriously — it's more sickening than HOSTEL), all four escape into a large wardrobe that leads to the wintry fantasy land of Gnarnia. Pursued by a self-flagellating albino monk (David Whatley), they encounter a talking beaver named Harry (voice of Katt M. Williams) who tells them they've come to Gnarnia for a reason: It's their destiny to defeat the evil White Bitch (Jennifer Coolidge) who currently rules Gnarnia with an icy claw, and restore the leonine Aslo (Fred Willard) to the throne.
Alongside complete non sequiturs involving such non-"epics" as Punk'd, Paris Hilton and Kanye West's appearance on the Hurricane Katrina relief telethon, we get free-associative references to movies like PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN, CLICK and SUPERMAN RETURNS. None of it makes much sense, none of it is funny and to see truly talented performers like Coolidge, Willard and Kid in the Hall Kevin McDonald, who appears briefly as a seedy, middle-aged Harry Potter, is merely depressing. Meanwhile, the boom mic appears so often it really should get a SAG card and its own on-screen credit. --Ken Fox
