"Candy Richards"
Back on November 14, 2006, when we saw the
future lives of the
Nip/Tuck characters, I mostly praised the episode since it was such a pleasant change of pace. What I wasn't thinking at the time was how unfortunate it would become as a viewer that we know exactly what will become of the characters. So Julia got shot last week - so what? We know that she survives since she was in the future episode. So Christian and Annie got in a car crash caused by paparazzi this week. We knew immediately that they'd be OK since they're also in that episode. And now, even after multiple knife stabs in his back by crazy Colleen at the very end, even though blood was gushing out of his mouth, Sean can't be dead: he, too, was in that damn futuristic episode. Of course, one can argue that the episode-of-the-future could've just been someone's dream, but it wasn't presented that way when it aired so I guess I have the right to bitch about it, right? Imagine how shocking and suspenseful that stabbing scene would've been had we not experienced the shape of things to come. This was the season finale so now we have to wait, perhaps as late as the fall, to find out what happens.
Nip/Tuck does like to trick us sometimes, though. That closing scene also could've been a nightmare of Sean's. Who knows? Besides this frustration, I wasn't completely unsatisfied.
Highlights:
-
Jennifer Coolidge could read the phone book and I'd laugh. Every time she was on screen, she was hilarious as D-lister and "legend in her own mind" Candy Richards, McNamara/Troy's first patient of the hour. Candy represents a lot of actresses in Hollywood who are both addicted to being famous and to plastic surgery. If only more actors and actresses made visits to better plastic surgeons and fixed the
bad surgery they had received as Candy did: "I look like Liza on crack!" Second best post-corrective surgery line of Candy's was when she thanked Sean after she got a guest spot on
Ghost Whisperer as a Russian ballerina with a brain aneurysm: "She dies during a very tragic pas de deux."
- The Candy character, in her yearning to be in the limelight, pulled a
Kathy Griffin and called the paparazzi, tipping them off before making her big exit from McNamara/Troy. Her best line (after Sean said: "I thought you didn't want anybody to know"): "Ya know, doctor, if a tree falls in the woods and two dozen nerds with cameras aren't there to put it online, does it really make a sound? I don't think so. You know why? Because that tree doesn't know what it takes to be famous, and I do!" Too bad it bit Candy in the ass when she walked out and they were more interested in getting shots of Sean.
- Even though Colleen turned out to be a crazed lunatic,
Sharon Gless gave it her all and then some. It was about time they acknowledged Colleen's self wrist-slitting and the MIA status of CAA agent Bob Levitz. Nice twist having seemingly straight Bob's
life partner Gary (
Paul Fitzgerald) show up asking Sean about Bob's whereabouts. That was a great expression on Sean's face once he figured it out that it was probably Colleen who was responsible for Bob's mysterious disappearance. I just knew that when Sean came home and was on the phone checking on Julia with the hospital,
something relating to Colleen was going to happen. Why, hello, dead-Bob-with-teddy-bear-stuffing-and-button-eyes popping out of the closet. So, in case you're keeping track, Bob came out of the closet to Sean twice in this episode.
- I loved that, once again, our dear Liz (
Roma Maffia) was the voice of reason to Christian and Sean, neither of which want to be famous anymore. Her advice to both of them was fabulous: stick with plastic surgery and quit the showbiz end of it all. So no more "Hearts 'N Scalpels" for Sean and no more Playgirl pictorials for Christian. Liz: "Do what you do best and screw the rest!" I was glad we got to see one more "Hearts" scene, though. I can just picture Russell Crowe embedding a camera into a paparazzi photographer's rectum, can't
you?
- Speaking of the Playgirl spread, I liked that
it was the cause of Christian's spring break fling from 25 years ago, Darlene (
Lisa Darr), hunting him down after all those years. Too bad she didn't get to Christian before her daughter Emmy (Jeannine Kasper) did. If she would've introduced Emmy to Christian as the daughter he never knew he had (equipped with the medical records to prove it), f---ed up Matt would never have had sex with his sister. Christian to Matt: "You can't sleep with your sister again!" At least Matt got smart and broke it off with Emmy. It was the horny and even more f---ed up Emmy who wanted to have sex with her brother again, even joking about the two of them being inbred: "I could pull out all of my teeth." You're a regular riot, Emmy.
- Just when we thought we'd seen Christian have sex with just about everything imaginable, there came the alcoholic and legless-due-to-diabetes Darlene having sex with Christian after they got drunk and there came the requisite
Julian McMahon butt shot.
But, that was after some very sweet dialogue between the two. Darlene: "I'm an 8, but because half of me is gone, I'm a 4." Christian: "You're beautiful, Darlene." Cue the drunken makeout, followed by the drunken sex, followed by the complimentary plastic surgery to get Darlene's face back, but not her legs.
- Luckily, Eden didn't hit Julia with her best shot, she just caused Julia to have retrograde amnesia. It gave
Joely Richardson and
Dylan Walsh the opportunity to play a tender scene together with Sean telling Julia they were still married and that "everything is just perfect." Did anybody else think of
Marcia Cross as Kimberly on
Melrose Place when Sean checked out Julia's scar? Click
here to refresh your memory. Hopefully Julia will remember who everyone is, including herself, and that Eden shot her. But how much you want to bet Julia forgets she was ever a lesbian? Sorry, Olivia.
- The best song choices were two oh-so-appropriate tunes with the same title: "Fame" - first the ditty by
Irene Cara played during Candy's corrective surgery towards the beginning, then the
David Bowie classic heard towards the end during Annie's post-car crash surgery.
Another lowlight (besides what I mentioned in the first paragraph):
- You've probably noticed that I've been writing some fairly negative things about the character of Eden, rarely blaming it on the actress who plays her (Annalynne McCord), but rather on how one-dimensional the character has been written. Well, it's time for me to talk some smack about both the character
and the actress. If you still have it on your TiVo, please go back and check Annalynne's facial expression after Eden (who lied and told everyone Olivia shot herself) is told by Olivia that Julia was awake. Prime example of bad acting. Yikes. Trust me: go back now, think of me and laugh like I did. That was followed by Eden's "Help me, mommy!" plea to Olivia. We'll have to wait forever to find out what that plea consisted of. Probably another lie coming out of the mouth of a skank.
So what did
you think of the season finale? Let me know below and thanks for all your comments throughout the season. You can check out
Nip/Tuck-related videos in our
Online Video Guide.
