July 5, 2007: The Third Time's (Not Really) the Charm
Whereas Thursday nights once brought me some much-loved must-see TV, the TGIF-precursor now seems to be muddled only with prime-time mediocrity. Tonight's episode, the third installment of
Hey Paula, was a textbook example of celeb-reality at its most mundane.
It wasn't amazing; it wasn't terrible. It just...
was. I issued no snort-chortling LOLs; I winced with masochistic joy not a'once. No, I simply spooned sugar-free Jello into my gullet and stared blankly at my flat-screen.
The episode opened with a post-tabloid-ravaged Paula talking to her "crisis people," a group basically composed of those who take 10 percent of the pop star's fiscal takeaways. More than once, the "fear" of Paula possibly "losing endorsements" was discussed. After all, as one celeb-crony so tactfully put it: "Paula Abdul is a product."
No! Shampoo is a product. Hair paste is a product. AquaNet is a product (my grandmother's product of choice, in fact). But Paula Abdul is a person, and it would have been nice to see her surrounded by nonemployed friends and unpaid acquaintances in her time of need, instead of those who were just looking to keep their cash cow publicity-pasteurized.
Paula and her pay-by-the-hour people decided, apparently, that no plan was the best plan, and they stuck with their predesignated schedule. So Paula went shopping, as planned, at a for-celebrities-only gift-giving tent. Not once, not twice, not three times, but
four times it was mentioned that she was "so nervous" to attend said shopping event.
I'm sorry... but "so nervous" to what?! Try on a $300,000 necklace? Pose for pictures in overpriced halter tops? Have people tell her how pretty she looks in diamonds that cost more than my Hollywood Hills (adjacent) condo? Yeah, right! Paula's "so nervous" to shop like I'm "so nervous" to break into song in public. (And if you attended Monday nights at Fubar, the intoxicatingly excellent 80-proof watering-hole of karaoke awesomeness, you'd know that "so nervous" really means, "Hey, Mr. DJ, put a record on... ")
Next we shadowed Paula as she tried her hand at some damage-control press interviews. And boy, did she control that damage! She controlled that damage like a piece of scotch tape in a Miami hurricane! A word to the (un)wise, Paula: When you can't coherently verbalize tricky three-syllable words (like "receiving"), it's time to shut your mumbling trap and enact some sign language. (On second thought, maybe not... Paula's hand-talking may be even more stutter-filled with those DTs.)
Paula received an award for "Woman of the Year." I have two questions: 1) What year? And 2) In relation to what other women? Hillary Clinton? Oprah? Helen Mirren? No, these females obviously weren't the women of 2007. These weren't the women that colored our 12 months with art, entertainment and insights. No, 2007 was all-Abdul, all the time. [
Insert sarcastic eye roll here]
I do have to say, though, that it was nice to see the brief cameo of Simon, Randy and Ryan (aka:
American Idol's Larry, Moe and Curly). Now that's a reality show I'd like to see. I'd call it
Two and a Half Men. (And yes, Ryan, that was a cut at your short stature.) Bravo, consider yourself pitched. Have your people call my (nonexistent) people, and we'll set up a meeting.
Finally, Paula took a trip to see everyone's favorite butt-chinned comedian, Jay Leno. The interview, however, was not nearly as exciting as the journey to the interview. Again, I'm sorry... but I have a question about Kiley, Paula's "assistant" (term used loosely). In all seriousness, is Kiley missing a chromosome?! Last episode, she couldn't successfully pack Paula's suitcase. This time around, the appropriately blonde "assistant" was unable to back an average-size car out of a reasonably large driveway!
It's a wonder to me that, in this town, people are able to make a living "assisting" others when they can't even assist themselves. Kiley, get a clue and get off my television screen! I'm done with you!
As always, Paula left us with some potent quotables:
"I'm right in the middle of a big ol' crap-sandwich."
"I've been a teacher my whole adulthood."
(RE: a held dress) "You mean it's for someone that's bigger than
me?!"
(While sobbing) "I'm not a crybaby!"
"Someone has to help me. Somebody!"
(And yet
again) "I'm tired of people not treating me like the gift that I am."
Another 30 minutes of my life, and
Hey Paula has left me no more enlightened yet no more worse for wear. Let's pray that next week's episode is more exciting. (Perhaps they will have Kiley try to tie her own shoe or something as challenging, eh?)
Only time and my TiVo will tell....
