Dancing with the Stars Episode Recap: Monday, Sept. 22, 2008
Dancing with the Stars high-kicked-off its seventh-season premiere with big numbers. No, not from the judges (someone actually got a 12!), but
in the ratings, as 21 million of you tuned in to see who would take the early lead, who suffered injury-related setbacks -- and with whom Cloris Leachman would next flirt awkwardly.
Hey there,
Dancing enthusiasts! I'm senior editor Mickey "Twinkle Toes" O'Connor, and I've been tasked with recapping
Dancing with the Stars this season. (Also check out our All Things Dancing with the Stars blog
here, which will feature exclusive updates from our
Dancing expert, Deborah Starr Seibel, who attends every taping and gets the backstage scoop.)
I'm a newbie to this show - this is literally the first episode I've watched - so I ask that you be patient with me while I learn the difference between Maksim and the mambo, samba and Inaba. Along the way, I will grace you with anecdotes from my storied dance career, including my fervent fandom of the TV show
Solid Gold, leaving space for the Holy Ghost at a middle-school dance and, of course, "stirring the beans" at an upstate New York publick house that has since been shuttered by authorities (total coincidence!).
I was a big fan of Baz Luhrmann's movie
Strictly Ballroom, so I was hoping my maiden voyage into
Dancing with the Stars would be campy fun. And it basically was. I like that (alas, not Emmy-winning) host Tom Bergeron is totally in on the joke. "I'm so proud of you," he tells the audience. "Four months away, and you didn't forget how to turn into an angry mob." Co-host Samantha Harris, on the other hand, is clearly a robot, lacking as she does any sort of modulation in her speaking voice or any skill for improv. But let's meet this season's dancers:
CODY LINLEY and Julianne Hough This pair is like Barbie and Ken carved out of cream cheese they are so cute. Cody, the show's youngest competitor ever, has some moves, but I have to admit that I missed most of their cha cha cha because I was too focused on the fact that the producers allowed Julianne to dance in a bath towel. Cody gets an 18 though, which is funny because that's how many years he has
lived on Earth.
ROCCO DISPIRITO and Karina Smirnoff Full disclosure: I think Rocco is a tool. I developed a distaste for him back on his reality show
The Restaurant, and subsequent appearances on
Top Chef only confirmed my (harsh?) opinion. So watching him flirt with partner Karina via fettucini made me roll my eyes a little. But can he dance? For a guy "best known for standing in place and chopping onions," I thought he was surprisingly nimble. Once "Stray Cat Strut" really kicked in, though, it was clear that his foxtrot was way behind the music, and kind of an all-over-the-place mess. Poor Karina sprained her ankle earlier, so I'm guessing she wasn't at her best tonight either. They got a 14 from the judges. "I forgot we had a 4," snarked Bergeron.
TONI BRAXTON and Alec Mazo Toni has been off my radar for a bit, so I had no idea that a) she had heart disease and b) she's still all hot-looking, only now with long hair. (Aside: That Alec does things with his hips that I'm guessing come in handy at other times.) Their cha cha cha, to a slowed-down version of Santana's "Smooth," seemed kind of sluggish to me, but it was technically proficient. It was "slinky, sultry, and sexy," according to Bruno, who is kind of a trip. Does he always talk like that? 22 for Toni.
MAURICE GREENE and Cheryl Burke Man, it looks like Maurice is having fun, doesn't it? James Brown spins like a top in his grave as Maurice does his foxtrot to the least funky version of "Funky Good Time" ever. It looks OK, he's clearly a good dancer, but it didn't look very ballroom-y to me. (Carrie Ann agrees.) However, I can't wait to see his mambo. He gets an 18.
BROOKE BURKE and Derek Hough Brooke likes to be sex-AY! And she's a mom! The way Derek parts his hair reminds me of 1984. Their cha cha cha is pretty great, as are their insanely tight pants (I mean, I blushed). Nevertheless, it's a nice progression of difficult-looking moves and real, ballroom-style steps. As Bruno puts it, Brooke is going for broke! It seems memory is not her strong suit, though, so let's hope her noggin holds up this season. She gets a 23.
TED MCGINLEY and Inna Brayer "Bring on the rhinestones!" says McGinley, making him immediately one of my favorite contestants. His "I'm just a guy" routine is lame, but it still made me want to root for the big lug. Are the music choices always so weird? The music of the Beach Boys is like religion to me, so this version of "God Only Knows" made me sad, suggesting as it did an ad for popsicles or snack crackers or something. "I'm surrounded by beautiful women, I look like James Bond and I'm having the time of my life," McGinley says, and all of America swoons in response. He gets an 18 for his foxtrot.
LANCE BASS and Lacey Schwimmer Lance voice-overs that he was "the worst dancer in the group." Lacey doesn't care because she's a "freakish" 'NSYNC fan. Her look reminds me of the 1980s version of Heart. Lacey seems fun, and is all "rock & roll" in that diluted way that people talk about on reality TV shows like
Project Runway and
Real World. (Aside: Lance has to lay off the teeth whitening and the tanning, ay? Dude looks like a negative.) Lance thinks an entertainer needs to take back the trophy from all the athletes who have won, and he's well on his way with a solid, if a little dirrrrrty cha cha cha, set to a crappy version of "Jumping Jack Flash." Len is not amused because he is old and cranky. But Carrie Ann thinks it's "hot, hot, hot"! Bruno says "edgy, funky, and great." Do they have to say three words because it's the cha cha cha? Samantha shifts blankly when Lacey makes a kind-of-funny gay joke. He gets a 22.
CLORIS LEACHMAN and Corky Ballas Cloris Leachman (aka Miss Chicago 1946) has nine Emmys, a Golden Globe, and an Oscar. Also, she has a gigantic, 82-year-old rack! As for her foxtrot, she kind of just floats around the dance floor for a few seconds, but she gets a standing ovation anyway. But let's face it: Nobody cares how she dances; her drunk-Nana presence is going to keep us all laughing this fall. Bruno says "something-something-something Battleship Geriatrica," which prompts Cloris to throw her leg up on the judges' table. "Mind your cleavage," says Len, and I'm all like: "I know, right?" I can't wait for her Frau Blücher impression. She gets a 16, but who cares?
JEFFREY ROSS and Edyta Sliwinska Jeff is dancing because "there's no show called
Eating with Comedians." I appreciate that Jeff is totally game (he's wearing a sparkly eyepatch), but his cha cha cha is what I'm going to call "the maypole," which is when the expert does all these crazy moves on their own to mask the fact that the contestant is mostly just standing still. Bruno says he hasn't seen such "ungainly carnage since
Cloverfield in 3-D," which is a really weird reference, isn't it? "Speaking of 'ballroom,' these pants are very, very tight," Ross cracks. I'm guessing my mom didn't like that joke. He's funnier than I remember. He gets a 12.
KIM KARDASHIAN and Mark Ballas "The foxtrot is about being smooth and elegant," says Mark, and Kim appears to be neither of those things. I love Henry Mancini's "Pink Panther Theme" though, and their interpretation of it
is pretty smooth, even if their unsubtle choice of costumes is not. They do better than the pre-dance package would seem to indicate. Len says it's clean, cold and that there's no chemistry. Bruno says that she's a "treasure trove that everyone should want to explore." He kind of reminds me of my great-uncle Tony Bananas, who also can barely speak English, but employs genius phrasings that sound great, but only kind of make sense. She gets a 19.
SUSAN LUCCI and Tony Dovolani Holy miniskirt, Erica Kane! Tony is the "gentleman of the ballroom," and has meaty pecs that rival Cloris Leachman's in their fortitude. Susan looks nervous, which is very cute, and it makes you realize how brave they all are to attempt all this ballroom nonsense on national television. Bruno says Susan looks like a gorgeous lady, but the cha cha cha needs a slut. Ha! Susan helpfully offers to be Bruno's slut, momentarily lap-raping him. Tony's pecs laugh heartily. 15 for her.
MISTY MAY-TREANOR and Maksim Chmerkovskiy It was kind of cool to see Misty play volleyball in a gown, right? But she's kind of butch for ballroom apparently. But if anyone can make her a lady, it's Maks, who practically hits her over the head with a club and drags her back to his cave in their pre-dance package. Their foxtrot is energetic and fun, but I think her performance lacks a certain delicacy. "Try not to muscle everything," says Carrie Ann. Len is obviously crazy because he disagrees with me. She gets a 21.
WARREN SAPP and Kym Johnson Warren is a huge guy, but man, is he light on his feet! Or, as Uncle Tony Bananas puts it: "Big boys can dance." The quarterback killa is now the dance floor thrilla with a rhythmic, fun foxtrot! The crowd eats it up, and a star is born. He gets a 21.
What did you think of the first night? Any early favorites? Which two couples do you think will be eliminated this week?
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