December 10, 2006: "Say Your Deepest Prayers Ever"
Anti-climax, party of two? Your finale is ready. So here's what I've decided: This season's winners, male models/recovering addicts Tyler and James are, truth be told, a scientific experiment from the cunning mind of one Bertram Van Munster. Using the latest in state-of-the-art cloning technology, BVM clearly took all the best attributes that made last season's champs, hippies B.J. and Tyler, such an
Amazing team, and mixed them up test-tube style with a liberal helping of frat-boy chromosomes from Eric and Jeremy. (Or if you believe what you've seen on the
Internet, it's quite possible that those two pairs procreated entirely without the help of a mad scientist.) The end result? A photogenic team comprised of two good-natured
and good-looking guys who were able to parlay their athletic prowess and minimal melodrama into a million bucks. Way to go, fellas - I hereby dub you Team Foregone Conclusion.
What was awesome in this non-two-hour finale:
- 'Bama getting to the Eiffel Tower first after a fortuitous flight into Orly Airport rather than Charles de Gaulle.
- A train so early that it forced Rob to wonder if perhaps the rapture had come while he and Kimberly were at the post office.
- Kimberly slipping, nearly knocking over the clue box in Caen.
- The tiny
Project Runway fix I got from that fashion detour in Paris. Look, everybody! Dress forms! Where's Tim?
- NYC cab drivers willing to go 50 miles upstate just to be on TV.
- The preponderance of "Friends in Low Places" miners T-shirts in the last 10 minutes of the show.
- James' dad's eyebrows.
What was decidedly
not awesome:
- Rob pitching a hissy fit over not getting to sky dive.
- 'Bama becoming an instant also-ran by not making that earliest flight out of Paris. (Let's be honest, the "travel by foot" part in the last leg would have put them out of it anyway, but still.)
- Product placement: See, if
you had an E-Z Pass, maybe
you could win a million dollars. Have fun counting out your exact change, chump.
- Phil propagating the girls-only-want-huge-diamonds stereotype, and Kimberly helping him.
- Product placement part two: Sprint phone calls from your loved ones are almost as good as being there in person! Haven't you ever watched
Survivor? No, wait, Probst actually lets his contestants
see their families. Never mind.
- The promo for the upcoming all-star edition: Just tell us who the teams are already! I need confirmation that Jonathan and Victoria are staying home this time.
Here endeth another
Race, my friends. Hope you had fun; see you in February!
