Shirley Bassey

Season 1, Episode 8
Diamonds Are Forever in the style of Shirley Bassey

This is Oliver Richman. At the tender age of only 9 years old, his parents and grandparents (who feature prominently in the following videos) plucked tiny Oliver from obscurity, put a microphone in his hands, hired Martin Scorcese s cinematographer, and attempted to turn him into a Youtube singing sensation. The next Bieber. The next Greyson. OLIVER. Just one slight problem. Oliver s videos are comically terrible. Truly and really just bad. Here is his cover of Defying Gravity, with an extremely necessary cameo by his admittedly fantastic Grandmother at the very beginning. His singing is fine not amazing, just fine (says the girl who used to kill covering Shirley Bassey s Goldfinger at 5). But Oliver is 4 and a half solid feet of walking stage parent lunch meat. Just a young boy thrust into the internet spotlight by parents who don t understand that this will be around to haunt the poor boy FOREVER. As comedian Jeff Mac put it: Holy living hell. I hope he becomes a famous singer, because if he doesn t, he will almost certainly become a famous murderer. Ahead, another unforgettable Oliver Original, featuring actual tiny Christmas tree hugging, brilliant over-acting, and a little girl who should be removed from her parents home at once. (more )

Ok, so I guess there s this show in Europe called My Name Is, where people perform songs in character? It is a very simple idea, but it gets really complicated somewhere along the line because, although there are the usual suspects (Lady Gaga, Madonna, Beyonce), there are also performances by regular human beings dressed up as Little Orphan Annie, Shirley Bassey, and wait for it Aaron Neville. By far the weirdest human being ever (evidence: unapologetic facial moles, cheek tattoo, lady s voice and a man s face), Aaron Neville is a very strange impression to pull off, although some have done it very well (see: me, Halloween 2006). But some white dude across got his sh*t down, from the cutoff denim vest to the bristly jhere curl to the signature, echoing dolphin screams dulcet tones that only Aaron Neville can emit from his thick, golden throat. Make no mistake about it: these videos will break the internet. (more )

While I m no sports fan, I do feel an obligation to tune into any sport final where a team from my birthplace and hometown of Miami, Florida. Which is why, despite the amount of haters rooting against them, I am 100 percent behind my team of the Miami Heat in this NBA Playoff Finals, and why I stayed home last night to watch the Heat battle the Dallas Mavericks in Game 2. And it is almost as if the NBA knew I d be tuning in to the game, based solely on who they chose to sing the National Anthem, aka My Favorite Song. Her name is Julia Dale, she is 10 years old, and she is one more live performance away from having TLC film a reality show about her, followed closely by her parents being put in jail for child endangerment. i.e. I M OBSESSED: Listen, I don t wanna hate on a chile but for real. This is the best 10-year-old you could find? I mean, Idontwannaboast, but I was nailing Shirley Bassey s Goldfinger at the tender age of 6, and no one invited me to sing sh*t anywhere. She s not that good. Sorry. It s a reality check Julia will one day have to hear herself, assuming she hasn t blown both eardrums out from her own perma-wail. Sure, the glitter and gloss are a nice touch, but unless we re actually talking about the NAMBLA playoff finals, I m pretttttty sure she has no business singing anything on national television. Then again, being a Miami native, I can attest that dumb sh*t happens there on the daily. In other words, carry on and GO HEAT. Please no more endings like yesterday, I can only charge my paddles up once a week.