Well, it was no, “We’re going to Brazil.” In fact, it didn’t even feel like a season finale. Where was the cliff-hanger? Where was the oh-my-god moment? It’s a sad indicator of the state of CSI: Miami when the scariest aspects of an episode are the fashions. Was there ever a more disturbing haircut than that sported by Mama Wade? And was Ryan wearing a pseudo-Members Only jacket? It’s depressing, really, because this one had potential. In the end, both Lucas and Lindsay Wade were murderers. She killed their other sister by pushing her down the stairs when they were all children, and everyone blamed little Lucas because he was supposedly genetically predisposed to violence. He took this to heart, and as an adult just started murdering women. Because it was her fault that Lucas did this, Lindsay decided to kill another woman to get her brother off the hook. Oh, and back in his corrupt traffic-cop days, Ryan pulled Lucas over, but had no reason to suspect...
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Here comes the new Wolfe, same as the old Wolfe. Talk about giving someone the benefit of the doubt. After the list of grievances Calleigh gave early in the episode (just to add to my list from last week), it turned out that all Ryan needed to do was admit the error of his ways while he was live on the air, and subsequently apologize directly to Horatio. If only everyone were so forgiving.The crime was a vehicle to serve up Ryan’s redemption, and as such, was mostly a yawner. As always, for those who missed it, the carjacker, Jim, wasn’t actually a carjacker. Sherry, the “victim,” was getting paid by his brother to get him out to her car so that said brother could shoot him, on orders from the drug lord. When Jim discovered his brother’s duplicity, the two got into a fistfight on Jim’s boat, during which Jim was knocked overboard. The drug lord decided that he’d rather have Jim dead than discover where the missing kilos of heroin were. Oh, and Hora...
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Let’s get the simple stuff out of the way first: Everyone was guilty of something. Claire dumped the gasoline to frame Anthony (her ex-boyfriend), who then sent Ron Cramer after her anyway, and Ron accidentally created the catalyst for the fire to start. Oh, and Ryan got fired for owing money to Michael Lipton. (Sidenote: I have a good family friend named Michael Lipton. Remember that episode of The Simpsons where a TV character has the same name as Homer? That’s how exciting this was for me.) However, before we get into Ryan’s misdeeds, I find it necessary to point out that not only is there no way this could have taken place in under 24 hours (how could the house have cooled enough to let in people without fire suits?), police departments have special arson units who deal with these kinds of cases. The CSIs would not be involved to the degree that they were.For a show that isn’t really into thematic cohesion, I was pleasantly surprised to find one major symboli...
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I knew this episode was headed somewhere fun when our opening Horatio-ism was, “Welcome… to the divorce… of the future.” After I stopped laughing, I considered the fact that we had already seen a house with lasers, Kelly Carlson with a chainsaw, and a personal trainer named Mandi. What more does one need in a pre-credits sequence? Nothing, that’s what.As always, for those who might have missed the big reveal, Hank and Laurie jointly killed Hank’s lawyer when they realized that he stole everything from their safe-deposit box and also got the deed to their house. In fact, in what passes for an ironic twist, they stabbed him with their wedding-cake knife. Much as I love Kelly Carlson, her Laurie was just an older, married and somehow slightly less screwed-up version of Kimber from Nip/Tuck. Not that there’s anything wrong with sticking with what works. On the other hand, Rachel Quaintance certainly shied away from type as a supremely bitchy female di...
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When Law & Order does ripped-from-the-headlines, it is so stunningly similar to real events that the disclaimers at the beginning and end seem superfluous. When CSI: Miami does the same, they take three weeks worth of Us Weekly, stick it in a blender, and see which elements survive. It makes me recall the Paris-Nicole rip-off from last year, where one of the girls ended up electrocuted in the tub by her assistant.What did we have this week? The actor from a podunk town made into a sex symbol (I’m going to pick Ashton Kutcher on this one), the starlet who goes into rehab though she’s not actually addicted to anything (Lohan with a twist), and um, Britney Spears (renamed “Elvina”). But you know what? It kind of worked for me.As always, for those of you who fell asleep before the end, it was the first person interviewed, Eddie Cabbott, who killed Brody Lasseter. Why would Eddie kill his best friend from Podunk, PA? Turns out that Brody had just confessed that ...
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