Khandi Alexander



April 23, 2007: Marriage, Revisited

I knew this episode was headed somewhere fun when our opening Horatio-ism was, “Welcome… to the divorce… of the future.” After I stopped laughing, I considered the fact that we had already seen a house with lasers, Kelly Carlson with a chainsaw, and a personal trainer named Mandi. What more does one need in a pre-credits sequence? Nothing, that’s what.As always, for those who might have missed the big reveal, Hank and Laurie jointly killed Hank’s lawyer when they realized that he stole everything from their safe-deposit box and also got the deed to their house. In fact, in what passes for an ironic twist, they stabbed him with their wedding-cake knife. Much as I love Kelly Carlson, her Laurie was just an older, married and somehow slightly less screwed-up version of Kimber from Nip/Tuck. Not that there’s anything wrong with sticking with what works. On the other hand, Rachel Quaintance certainly shied away from type as a supremely bitchy female di... read more

April 16, 2007: They Tried to Make Me Go to Rehab

When Law & Order does ripped-from-the-headlines, it is so stunningly similar to real events that the disclaimers at the beginning and end seem superfluous. When CSI: Miami does the same, they take three weeks worth of Us Weekly, stick it in a blender, and see which elements survive. It makes me recall the Paris-Nicole rip-off from last year, where one of the girls ended up electrocuted in the tub by her assistant.What did we have this week? The actor from a podunk town made into a sex symbol (I’m going to pick Ashton Kutcher on this one), the starlet who goes into rehab though she’s not actually addicted to anything (Lohan with a twist), and um, Britney Spears (renamed “Elvina”). But you know what? It kind of worked for me.As always, for those of you who fell asleep before the end, it was the first person interviewed, Eddie Cabbott, who killed Brody Lasseter. Why would Eddie kill his best friend from Podunk, PA? Turns out that Brody had just confessed that ... read more

April 9, 2007: Little Big Caine

Just to get this out of the way, was there ever a more nonsensical piece of dialogue than, “Harassment is not without its consequences/My team thrives on consequences”? I’m serious. What does that mean? How can one thrive on consequences?I have to admit to being slightly uncomfortable with this episode. Did we really have to have a Native American scalping someone as retribution? Granted, this Doug Lansing fellow did not seem to be the most altruistic person, but… scalping? For those of you who might have fallen asleep before the end, the murderer did end up being the very first person the CSIs talked to: the room-service attendant, who did it because he was 1/16 Native American.I do have to point out that O’Shay is a pretty brilliant evil mastermind. While in the end the Doug Lansing murder had nothing to do with him, he still managed to get Reggie Venton and his wife out of the picture by having a common thief sneak into Anna’s house to steal her bla... read more

March 19, 2007: Nature's Clones

Just take a moment and imagine how awesome it would have been had the CBS promos department not totally ruined the twist on this episode? When Beth Selby (aka Leslie Bibb No. 3) showed up 15 minutes before the end, it was less than shocking. Nevertheless, I was thoroughly creeped out.The whole conceit is kind of disturbing (if not downright unhygienic!): triplets who exchange everything in their lives to the point where they’re really all living one life. You marry one (Ashley), impregnate the next (Beth) and get killed by the last one (Kayla) — all without ever knowing the difference. To Dominic Whitford’s credit, the sisters Ashley, Kayla and Beth did not seem to have any discernible differences in personality, though to be fair, one could argue that Beth seemed the most distinct, in that she seemed to actually care about another human being, and was generally more nervous than the other two. Leslie Bibb did an admirable job portraying all three, even if it didn... read more

February 26, 2007: But He Stole My Pic-a-nic Basket

OK, let’s work this one out together. Of the three men on the “mancation” — sidenote: has anyone in the history of anything ever called a vacation a mancation? Or am I tragically unhip? — the one who wasn’t Dennis or Rob (but whose name I never caught) killed Tess, and Dennis killed the bodyguard Rocko. Then he got nervous and wanted to call the cops, so Rob and not-Rob smeared Dennis’ vest with vanilla bought from the man from Deliverance so that the only grizzly bear living in the Everglades could maul Dennis. Everyone got it so far? Then, it turns out that Tess was only at the hotel in the first place because Anna had to make her demo tape. But because Anna was actually part of a prostitution ring, Horatio is in trouble with a horny politico played by Ed Begley Jr.Now my head hurts.Maybe it’s because this show airs late-ish and my brain isn’t in working order. Then again, maybe it’s because the plot made no sense. Last week I p... read more

February 19, 2007: The Average Punch Is Under 20 MPH

Why is Delko back so soon? It seemed to be the question on everyone’s mind this episode — including his. He even said, “I came back too soon.” Well, yeah. I suppose it’s one thing to not have a scar or any swelling after getting shot in the neck, but it’s another to not even be limping after getting shot in the leg. If House has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t come back that easily from a leg injury. I nitpick because I love.I liked this episode. As all the regular readers are no doubt aware, I have not been a fan of the global focus of this season of the show. But this week we had what CSI: Miami does best: narcissism and nutcases. Here, Dr. Lasker was the narcissist, and Heather Crowley’s family and boyfriend were the nutcases. (We could consider Horatio to be both, but we pick on him every week, so I’m going to give him a reprieve.) I appreciated the tighter scope of this story. One murder spawned another and led to an in... read more

February 12, 2007: I Will. Kill You. Clavo.

This past week I stayed away from all the spoilers I came across so that I could give you my honest reaction to however Delko’s situation played out — not an easy task for me, as I pretty much live for spoilers. What is my honest reaction, you ask? What the frak?! Frakity frak frak. Not to sound callous or anything here, but wouldn’t it have just been kinder to kill this guy off? Yes, we have a very much alive Delko, but one who also has significant memory loss (the go-to plot device for dramas this season). And here I was preparing another one of my snappy obituaries. I’m sorry that Delko can’t remember his sister is dead, but perhaps someone could kindly point out that her spitting image is working as an ADA up in Manhattan. It might help ease the pain. It’s too early to know how this is going to play out over the rest of the season, or even the rest of the series. And in the near future, I may be talking about what a brilliant move this was on behal... read more

February 5, 2007: I'm Gonna Be Fine

Please look at the title of this entry. If you are a police officer and you’ve been shot, you are never, ever, ever, ever to say this. Ever. Even though Delko's getting shot was the worst kept secret on, I certainly wasn’t expecting it to be anything like it was. Dare I say, CSI: Miami is giving us suspense again? When he got shot in the leg, I figured that was it. And then he just had to go and say, “I’m gonna be fine.” Horatio didn’t even have any sunglasses to fiddle with. He just had to stand there and actually emote. It was a watershed moment in the history of this show.I have to admit that when the first Clavo episode aired, I was definitely more concerned with passing my physics-for-poets science requirement, and so while I vaguely remember it, it doesn’t have quite the same resonance for me as it may have for others. I like the character, though. He’s very over-the-top and so obviously evil that he almost makes up for the l... read more

January 22, 2007: We Both Try to Make Miami a Better Place

I got so excited when I read the description of tonight’s episode and found out that it involved Frank and a land mine. I was then crushed when I found out that it was not going to be an emotionally wrenching hour of bomb-squad awesomeness à la Grey's Anatomy, nor perhaps a friendship forged around a certain death due to a subway accident (we miss you and your Baltimore ways, Frank Pembleton of Homicide: Life on the Street). Instead, I learned to stay away from con artists and received a lesson in the politics of Cuban exiles. What now? That doesn’t really have anything to do with bombs and Detective Tripp, you say? Yeah, tell me about it. It took me pretty much the whole commercial break after they saved Frank to recover. Once I did recover, I was confused. Why would the past-his-prime pitcher randomly set land mines on a beach? I’m aware that he knew that’s where his rival would be landing, but wasn’t it kind of lucky (or unlucky, depending on how y... read more

January 8, 2007: When the Shoe's on the Other Foot

And so we say goodbye to deliciously creepy Nick Townsend. He is survived by his ex-wife, Natalia Boa Vista, who had him put in jail. His apartment had been described as “Grand Central Station, with women coming in and out,” but he had many other redeeming characteristics as well, such as stealing and stalking. Upon further consideration, he had no redeeming characteristics whatsoever, except that he was just basically awesome. I, for one, will miss him and his alter ego, Rob Estes. Thus ends the obituary of Mr. Townsend. You knew that in the end he was either going to go to jail or be killed, but I was always of the opinion that the CSIs on this show needed a more serious nemesis, and he seemed like a good one. I suppose that over the rest of the season it’ll be the terrorists, but still, I’ll always have a soft spot for this guy.Also, we got an introduction to the bizarro-CSI: Miamians, aka the night shift. Of course, if we aren’t counting Jake, there seem... read more

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