Pretty Little Liars
I am so powerless over Pretty Little Liars. And admitting that is the first step, right? Glossy, glammy and silly enough to make you roll your eyes while being reeled in, last night's opener was like crack, cut with Gossip Girl and soaked in I Know What You Did Last Summer. Love the cast. (Yay, Lucy Hale!)
Not to be sexist, but what a bunch of girls! My god, after three weeks of whining and wah-wah-ing about everything from Craig M's hair to who got a one-on-one, Ali's suitors have gone from a stable of studs to a gaggle of gossipy he-otches. Last night, the ladymen erased all signs of testosterone by ganging up on pro wrestler Justin for hobbling his broken-leg hotness all the way up to Ali's house. Without telling them! You could almost hear them clucking over coffee. "Oh my god, can you believe he did that?"
Real Housewives of NJ - Danielle Staub
Move over, Jersey Devil. The new Beast of the East is the Staub-Goblin, a mythical Italian-American creature indigenous to the Franklin Lakes region that's known for frequent bouts of victimization triggered by camera lights, paranoid ramblings when left with no one to cackle at, and bouts of working others' nerves when not working a pole.
Last night, we saw the Staub-Goblin (a term coined by brilliant Twitterer @theanticritic) in her natural element — about four yards away from reality — and it was a thing of unnatural beauty. Spurned on by a hate-laced Facebook page ("nothing short of the KKK in my opinion") that was started by Jacqueline's 19-year-old daughter, the sad, eyebrow-challenged she-ogre who claims ...
So did anyone else bleeping notice the amount of bleeping-bleep bleeping times the MTV folks didn't bleep out a presenter or winner's potty-mouth at the Movie Awards last night? It was bleeping ridiculous, especially since the cusses that slipped past the censors actually killed the humor the producers must have been going for. That harness gag between Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg would have been so much snappier if we weren't all so distracted ...
Hear that sound? That's the seconds ticking away until Tuesday's first-season finale of Glee, which is reportedly the show's biggest (read: priciest) episode. Honestly, if it's half the awesome that was the "Sectionals" mid-season finale, than it'll be so worth the money, honey. So check out this sneak-peek preview that hit the web this week and tell us what you think. Will the McKinley kids be able to crush Vocal Adrenaline? Or will their, um, journey to Regionals take a new direction?
Toddlers & Tiaras
Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be pageant queens!
Toddlers & Tiaras returned last night for its third season and once again, we got a peek into a world where the wild things are spray-tanned, over-indulged and just plain awful. None more so than the little slice of Hell known as Makenzie. Four-years-old, finger-wavingly disrespectful and physically abusive toward her own deluded mother, this little monster made the Real Housewives look like Seventh-Day Adventists.
OK, single ladies, help me out: Do you really have "ex-swaps"?
Watching the premiere of MTV's new reality peep show, Downtown Girls, Tuesday, we saw the show's quintet of horrifically named gal pals (what exactly is a Shallon, Gurj and Klo anyway?!) gather their former mattress giants ...
Forget Shrek. The summer's really entertaining donkeys are the poor souls serving under Gordon Ramsay this season. For round 6 of the blue-plate Top Chef, Fox has assembled another posse of Risotto-challenged chuckleheads who are sure to fire up ...
Faerie Tale Theatre
OK, so now that we've got the holiday commercials running around the clock, I'm sure there are some of you going 'Holy non-denominational celebration! I still need to find the perfect present for [fill in the blank]!' Never fear, here are some more grand ideas to keep you on the right side of your gift-giving icon of choice's "naughty-or-nice" list.
See our suggestions after the jump.