Deborah Gibson and Tiffany
It could have been so beautiful. It could have been so right. But only in our dreams did we ever imagine this weekend's Syfy spectacular being such a glorious buffet of cheesy brilliance.
From the casting — pop footnotes-turned-producers Debbie Gibson (way too gaunt as the eco wacko scientist) and Tiffany (resembling a Rosie Greenbaum in park-ranger drag) — to the Dollar Store effects to the groaner-laden script ("we're gonna need a bigger gator"), MpvG was a mile-long mess. Not a single character made sense, the rampaging reptilians were sloppily designed and the costumes appeared to be thrift-store donations. It was like Anaconda as performed by the Ray Harryhausen Community Theater Players. And how can you not love anything that embraces its full-scaly badness with such bite?
Set in the Florida Everglades, the flick pit our aged teenyboppers against one another as they battled over how to handle a rash of snake and gator attacks, although both should have been bursting into song over the fact that the kills all but cleared the region of its swampiest backwoods stereotypes. As the carnage increased, so too did the crazy. Soap vet A Martinez popped up as some sort of Latino shaman take on Jaws' Quint, steroid-injected chickens turned the rival beasts (the CGI animals not the actresses) into mall-devouring behemoths, Monkee Micky Dolenz made an ill-fated cameo and, of course, there was a catfight between our two leading ladies that children of the '80s have been waiting for since before they hung up their parachute pants.
Honestly, for a film that was lacking in style, production value and continuity, you couldn't ask for more from a Saturday night creature feature: A little bit scary, a lot silly and loads of fun. And while fans of Gibson and Tiffany may be up in arms over the fates that awaited their faves, we're already crossing our fingers that SyFy will be able to yank Martika and that guy from Kajagoogoo out of oblivion's cold storage unit for the sequel.
Did you watch MPvG? Was it a mega hoot or are you a hateroid?
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