Bag of Bones

Bag of Bones? More like pile of crap.

In last night's conclusion to A&E's overlong, underwhelming, four-hour adaptation of Stephen King's equally blah novel, the ghosts got off way easier than viewers, who had to live through laughable dialogue, clichés galore and even a few criminal rip-offs of King's own work.

Seriously, a raccoon jumping out at Pierce Brosnan's widowed author from the darkness of an attic is no longer a scare tactic, just a redressed version of the "cat leaping into frame" bit used in every horror movie known to man. And the line of text, "Lie still bag of bones" appearing over and over on his laptop? Hello, "All work and no play" from The Shining. Only there was nothing here that was even close to the creepiness Jack Nicholson and company doled out in that classic take on one of King's greatest works.

Instead, we got flashbacks to Depression-era racism, a violent rape scene, a bunch of drowned girls and too many shots of Brosnan talking to the unseen spirit of his dead wife, who apparently enjoyed communicating from the beyond via fridge magnets. Oh, and then there was one incredible moment where the former James Bond puked up what seemed to be his own body weight in bile after being zapped by a lady-shaped tree he was feeling up. Not kidding. He caressed the bark and then vomited his face off. Don't even get us started on the scene involving the elderly bad guy macking on his equally aged assistant before being suffocated to death in the tub. Even American Horror Story's Rubber Man would have been icked out. And bored.

In the end, as with most TV-adaptations of King's books, things fell apart faster than you can say, "Wait, isn't this supposed to be scary?" Vinyl records became flying weapons, the lady-shaped tree went on the attack, and — again, not kidding — haunted bath water stole a move straight out of The Abyss. Which is fitting, since the conclusion to this fright-deficient snore was unfathomable.

Did you stick with Bag of Bones? Or did you toss it after night one? 

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