Hair Battle Spectacular

What the follicle?

Have you heard of Hair Battle Spectacular? Well, count your blessings if you haven't because this showdown between extreme stylists is cheaper than a $2 weave and just as busted.

Seriously, it's not even good bad, you know? Taking the best parts of Shear Genius and tangling it up with low-end production values, lame challenges and trashy contestants, the whole thing ends with the stylists pitting their elaborate hair sculptures against one another during a "Glam Slam" set in a boxing ring. Not. Even. Lying.

Last night, the remaining competitors — who boast insipid, Flavor of Love-caliber names like Minista, Sexi Lexi and Fingaz — were tasked with designing gothic looks inspired by everyone's favorite played-out trend: Vampires. Unfortunately, the end results were more suck than bite. Barely stable up-dos shaped like coffins. Shellacked batwing monstrosities. And worst of all, a deadly lack of sophistication that undid the few inventive ideas of the bunch. Even D-list drag queens would bristle at these hair don'ts. It's all just big hats and Styrofoam shapes covered in clip-on extensions and spray paint.

Then again, "subtle" may be too much to ask from a show that boasts a lead judge whose main claim to TV fame is being the heel-wearing he-diva who threw a wig party for Kim Z on The Real Housewives of Atlanta. Still, there should be a level of fun and fabulosity to these fantasy hair designs and the HBS crew just doesn't make the cut.

Are you watching the Battle, or do you just turn your head and coif?

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