Piers Morgan, Sharon Osbourne, Howie Mandel

OK, so I've been avoiding America's Got Talent since the season started, mostly because Howie Mandel's put-on sincerity gives me the hives. But I caved and tuned in to last night's Chicago auditions and will never get that hour back. Seriously, this is a show? A guy wearing a foam slice of swiss on his head, playing a guitar and a kazoo, singing about cheese? A girl in a giant inflatable ball, bouncing around to the Black Eyed Peas? Please, these aren't talents, they're drunken dares at best and public humiliations at worst. The only acts that stood out were the Puerto Rican wedding singer with the operatic voice and the Kalamazoo runaway who was just OK on Sarah McLachlan's song about abused dogs. Other than that, this America is more pitiful than beautiful.

How is this show so popular?!

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