13. Kiss and Don't Tell Award: After American Idol woman scorned Pia Toscano sings her anthem "I'll Stand By You" on Dancing with the Stars (her all-but-confirmed beau Mark Ballas' show), Tom Bergeron gets right to the point: "Is he a good kisser?" Coy as ever, Toscano laughs it off and replies, "He's a wonderful person." We'll take that as a yes. But seriously, enough with the cageyness. It's really wearing on your 15 minutes.
12. Most Cringeworthy: At first, Paul Reiser seems like a good sport for showing up for his The Tonight Show with Jay Leno appearance even though his NBC sitcom was canceled last week. But naturally, the comedian wasn't going to let the awkward sitdown pass without lobbing a few grenades. "NBC, to my knowledge, they don't traditionally make bad decisions," he tells Leno. "I don't know what your experience is..." And then: "When you're the last-place network, you don't want to jeopardize that. You found your niche; stay there."
11. Best Missed Redemption: On Cougar Town, Jules doesn't know the Pledge of Allegiance! "And to the republic for Richard Stands," she says to a room of schoolchildren. Naturally, this sends her on an insecurity tear about her intelligence that includes hiding from her friends and neighbors. Eventually, she swallows her pride and offers to correct her mistake. It's then that she says: "One nation under God, invisible" Well, at least, as Jules points out, God is invisible.
10. Most Unnecessary Imagery, Part I: Desperate Housewives' Susan is horny, plain and simple, from having to abstain from sex for six weeks after her kidney transplant. So she starts having intense sex dreams. But they're about former nemesis/current begrudging guardian angel Paul Young. Susan's doctor tells her it's just her conscience telling her that she needs to help him in his time of need. Dear Conscience, there are better ways of getting through to someone. Love, Us.
9. Best New TV Rivalry: Competing coaches Adam Levine and Christina Aguilera waste no time before commencing the mudslinging on The Voice. After Adam praises Beverly McClellan for her passion, Christina tries to make a case for herself by slamming Adam. "He is a little bit of a wheeler-dealer-schmealer," she says, like an 8-year-old. "He will sell a used car to your grandma." So... backbiting judges panel? Check! See, not everything about this show is a refreshing change from American Idol.
8. The Anti-PETA Award: Boo to the evil Queen Cersei, who needs a scapegoat (scapewolf?) after her son, Joffrey, was attacked by Arya Stark's direwolf on Game of Thrones. When the guilty animal is nowhere to be found, Cersei nags King Robert into having Sansa's direwolf executed instead. The injustice and cruelty has us howling along with the rest of the pack at the end of the episode.
7. Best Fashion Statement: Mr. Schue challenges Glee's New Directions to wear their hearts on their sleeves when he asks them to T-shirts bearing words that lay bare their deepest insecurities. (For example, Sam's says — hilariously — "Trouty Mouth") To the tune of Lady Gaga's "Born This Way," Mr. Schue reveals his odd choice for a T-shirt slogan: "butt chin." What? We would have definitely picked "white rapper."
6. Most Unnecessary Imagery, Part II: In the Celebrity Apprentice boardroom, NeNe Leakes keeps it "really real" and calls out her teammates for "crawling up" Star Jones' butt. "By the way," Donald Trump stealthily interjects, "much nicer now that she lost all the weight." Adds Star: "It would not be very uncomfortable for you back then." Donald Trump, Jr. is all: Daaaad, and takes a minute to wipe the image from his mind.
5. No Love Lost Award: Perhaps in another effort to prove that she's not the GOOP-y ice queen most perceive her to be, Gwyneth Paltrow pals around with Chelsea Handler about the odd thing they have in common: bitchy grandmothers! Handler says her German grandma was "a real bitch" on Chelsea Lately; Paltrow joins the fun by calling her German granny a "real c---." "She tried to poison my mother against me, but it didn't work! Because I have a great mother," Paltrow explains. "She must not have been very happy, and must have had a lot of pain, because she was mean as hell." Sadly, we won't get to hear Grandma's side of the story: She died in 2006.
4. Best Use of Mercy: In what is sure to be Timothy Olyphant's Emmy reel for Justified, Raylan Givens finally proves he can control his itchy trigger finger. Grieving his Aunt Helen's death at the hands of Dickie Bennett (Jeremy Davies), Raylan stalks Harlan County looking for Dickie, not as a lawman but as an angel of vengeance. But when he gets a sobbing Dickie in his crosshairs, instead of shooting him, Raylan lists the things Helen did for him. In addition to making Dickie feel guilty, Raylan realizes the sacrifices Helen made to help him escape Harlan and his family's history of backwoods warring. He honors Helen's efforts by reluctantly letting Dickie live.
3. Cheese Whizzes Award: Why do all of The Amazing Race's best moments involve cheese? Though they failed to finish the Ferris wheel, er, meal Detour in Austria last week, Zev and Justin gamely take on another eating Detour in Switzerland: downing a pot of fondue. Between the belching, the giggle-fests, Zev's puns ("I'm not very fondue of this fondue"), Justin's feeble threats ("I'm going to kill you for this, you know that, right?") and balcony vomiting, we have these brave cheese-eating souls (and eventual leg winners) to thank for ending our love affair with cheese (for now anyway). And for one of the greatest "dead" faces ever.
2. Most Shocking Non-Finale: The third-to-last episode of The Vampire Diaries shocked us with a tragic one-two punch (or bite, if you will). Damon has been bitten by a werewolf, which history tells us (RIP, Rose) is fatal, but come on, they aren't going to kill off Ian Somerhalder! Our real worry: Just as Mystic Falls naïf Jenna learns of the very existence of vampires, Klaus turns her into one. In case you're keeping score at home, there are four humans left in the cast. Where does it end?
1. Best Sound of Silence: How can Michael Scott leave The Office without saying goodbye to adoring, long-suffering Pam Beasley? But he does... until a shoeless Pam runs through airport security to catch him as he shuffles through the terminal. Most remarkable: We don't hear their final words, as Michael has already returned his mic to the documentary crew. "No, he wasn't sad. He was full of hope about Colorado," Pam tearfully tells the camera afterward. "He was hoping to get an upgrade as an awards member, and he said he was just real excited to go home and see Holly." Farewell to the World's Greatest Boss. (That's what we said.)
What were your top moments?