Our top moments of the week:
13. Top of the Pecking Order Award: Tori Spelling's pet Silkie chicken Coco steals the spotlight on Millionaire Matchmaker when Patti Stanger brings an old-school chauvinist to show that the Beverly Hills, 90210 star was a modern woman who could have it all: a family, a career ... and a bird prized by Top Chef Masters and Chinese cuisine enthusiasts alike. Coco stands on the table, preens for the camera and even steals one of Tori's fresh-baked goods without reprimand. The real lesson here: You don't need 11 herbs and spices to rule the roost — just look cute for the chicks.
12. Best Suspect: David Letterman may have been a target on a jihadist website, and while authorities are investigating the matter, he's pretty sure he knows who's really behind the scheme. "They're looking into it. They're questioning, they're interrogating, there's an electronic trail, but everybody knows it's Leno," he quips on The Late Show. So we're guessing no more Super Bowl parties?
11. Worst Family Planning: What to do when you're bored? Go on Facebook? Hang out with friends? If you're Teen Mom's Maci, you have a second child! "If I had another baby, I wouldn't be bored," the 19-year-old wistfully muses, officially dethroning "to fix a marriage" as the worst reason to have a baby. Well, yeah, you wouldn't be bored, but you'd have another kid to raise and that — as you should know — is no joke. Thankfully, her beau Kyle is having none of it: "You just need to get out of your baby fever for a little bit."
10. Don't Put It in a Love Song Award: Has Kasey confused the Bachelor franchise for American Idol? The Bachelor Pad "Godfather" presents a promise ring to girlfriend Vienna — whose initial reaction is, "that better not be an engagement ring" — and caps it off by serenading her with an original tune in his signature froggy tenor that's begging to be subtitled. Something tells us Vienna's laughing at him instead of with him, but at least he doesn't try to rhyme "helicopter" in this one.
9. Worst Temper Tantrum: Here's hoping they're having a better honeymoon. On Keeping Up with the Kardashians, Kim Kardashian throws a hissy fit after she loses a $75,000 earring when Kris Humphries tosses her into the ocean during their Bora Bora vacation. "Wait, is she faking this right now?" Kris asks as Kim tearfully climbs out of the water and petulantly stomps away. Nope! "We've literally been here an hour. She freaks out over the room, she freaks out over the earring," he says to the camera. "What are the next 10 days gonna be like? I'm nervous." Next 10 days? How about the next 10 months?
8. Juiciest Cliff-Hanger: On The Closer, Brenda finally admits to Capt. Raydor that she ordered Sgt. Gabriel to drive away and leave Turrell Baylor to fend for himself in rival gang territory despite Gabriel's protestations. Although Raydor is relieved to know the truth, she is unsettled by the fact that Turrell's family, who is suing the LAPD for his wrongful death, mentioned that pesky detail in their lawsuit. That can only mean one thing: There's a leak in Brenda's unit!
7. Deadliest Threat: An obit mix-up for Rebecca and Sean's baby Cathy on The Big C turns into an awkwardly weird funeral for Cathy Jamison, whose friends are shocked to see her there alive and kicking. But nobody is more surprised than "Rugby Slut," who is all too ready to, um, console Paul. Cathy quickly puts an end to Rugby Slut's plans with a threat from the beyond: "If you so much as lay one French-manicured hand on him after I'm in the ground, I will claw my way out of the dirt and I will haunt you the rest of your slutty drunk life."
6. Instant Classic Quote: When Breaking Bad's Skyler dares to express concern that Walt might someday end up with taking a bullet like Gale, the ever prideful Walt unloads on his estranged wife. "I am not in danger, Skyler, I am the danger," he says. "A guy opens his door and gets shot, you think that of me? No, I am the one who knocks." Sorry, Don Draper, but that last line is our office's new "that's what the money is for!"
5. Most Bi-Curious: Larry meets the woman of his dreams at an art gallery on Curb Your Enthusiasm! And so does his pal Rosie O'Donnell. But after comparing notes ("So vivacious!" "Mine's vivacious too!"; "She's Jewish." "Mine too!"), they realize they've both fallen for the same Jane Cohen and deduce that she's bisexual ("What is that? Pick a side already!" Rosie complains). That, of course, doesn't stop Larry from opting to engage in a turf war with Rosie over Jane's affections. "Spare yourself the expense and embarrassment," he warns her. We won't ruin who "wins," but could you imagine having Larry and Rosie fight over you?
4. Most Obvious Twist We Saw Coming: After the girls finally revealed that someone named "A" was tormenting them on Pretty Little Liars, Dr. Sullivan hunkers down and investigates her files. She's able to connect some of "A"'s threats to phrases used by another patient and immediately calls the girls to tell them, "I know who 'A' is." Of course, by the time the girls got to the office, Dr. Sullivan is gone. "The doctor is out," "A" texts. We're not saying Dr. Sullivan was asking for it, but she should know by now not to work alone late at night after her office was broken into. Twice.
3. Best Hijacking: In case you somehow didn't hear, Kim Kardashian got married in what was obviously the greatest wedding of the year (sorry, Will and Kate!), what with CNN covering it from the ground. One young boy didn't think so and does what we all probably wanted to do when he video-bombs anchor Kareen Wynter's overly earnest report about the nuptials. For nearly a minute, he blows raspberries, contorts his Gumby-like face in every which way it could go and even busts out "The Running Man." And yes, it's 200 times more entertaining than the rest of the coverage. Someone give this kid a reality show.
2. Unsexiest Sex Scene: In an extended dream sequence on True Blood, Sookie explores the idea that maybe she doesn't have to choose between Eric and Bill — she can just have a threesome! Various vaguely feminist rationalizations ("if I were a man ...") are supposed to make this choice seem logical, but really it's just an excuse to show us a fan-fic-quality scrumping scene with less class than a Bachelor two-on-one hot tub date. To "parrot-phrase" our colleague: We had to choose Team Eric or Team Bill; why can't you, Sookie?
1. Most Deserving Tie: It's not that we didn't like The Glee Project's Samuel, it's that we really like that awkward Irish lad Damian. So in the season finale, when Glee boss Ryan Murphy announces that both the L.A. indie rocker and the future Finn had won big arcs on the show's third season, it never even occurred to us to cry "cop-out!" Besides, with people graduating and possibly spinning off elsewhere, there's room for both of them (and Alex and Lindsay). Here's to hearing The Strokes and Celtic Thunder on future episodes of Glee.
What were your top moments?