Julianna Margulies, Tiger Woods
This week, TV confused us. On Ugly Betty, little Justin kissed a girl... and a boy. Lost threw us for a loop by making bad-boy Sawyer a cop. American Idol's Kara DioGuardi made us ask: Ignorance or just a really dry sense of humor? And the titular heroine of The Good Wife went bad, cheating on her cheating husband with her attentive boss. Welcome to Top Moments: Land of Confusion Edition.
13. Weirdest Love Triangle, Part I: On Ugly Betty, little Justin finds himself torn between two acting-class pals: sweet Lily and snarky Austin. When the trio gets together to watch DVDs, Lily asks: "Which Romeo + Juliet should we watch — Zefferelli or Luhrmann?" "Luhrmann," Justin and Austin reply in unison. Justin frets about kissing Lily during a scene, but in the end it's an impromptu peck from Austin that totally unnerves him.
12. Best Moment of Reckoning: In the premiere of HBO's World War II epic, The Pacific, we watch as Marine Bob Leckie guns down hundreds of Japanese soldiers. He's stopped dead in his tracks when he rifles through a dead man's pack and finds a picture of the dead soldier's wife — and a toy that presumably belongs to his child.
11. Strangest Debut: The opening scene of Comedy Central's new animated series is confusing by design. A battered young man, Mark, is tied to his bedposts as a female demon flies off into the night with these parting words: "See you in hell, mortal scum." Just then, a zombie busts through the bedroom door and hovers menacingly over the bed. Nothing is as it seems though. The Manhattan of Ugly Americans is populated by several bizarre species, not just humans. The demon is actually Mark's girlfriend and the zombie is his best friend and roommate, who "went zombie" for a hot girl.
10. Most Interview Interruptions: Fox News' Bret Baier sits down in the Blue Room of the White House to discuss healthcare with President Obama, but the Commander in Chief repeatedly scolds him for interrupting his (occasionally long-winded) answers. Baier later apologizes, sort of, saying, "I know you don't like to filibuster."
9. Laying-Down-the-Law Award: In the premiere of FX's new Elmore Leonard-inspired drama Justified, trigger-happy U.S. Marshal Raylan Givens (Timothy Olyphant) explains himself to an associate of a church-bombing white supremacist: "You make me pull, I put you down." All clear?
8. Best Surprise: On Lost, we learn that con man Sawyer has a different job in the alternate timeline: He's a cop! A familiar-looking scene, involving a just-bedded hottie and a suitcase full of cash, is actually an LAPD sting op. (Nice touch: His code word is "LaFleur.")
7. Dearest Mommy: Gossip Girl's Chuck Bass learns that his mother, whom he had thought died in childbirth, is actually alive, but just doesn't want anything to do with him. Well-meaning fluffy bunny Serena intervenes and convinces Elizabeth that she needs to have a relationship with Chuck as much as the bruised tough guy needs his mommy.
6. Worst Name-Dropping: When Donald Trump asks the 14 contestants of The Celebrity Apprentice to call on their famous friends for help with a challenge, Cyndi Lauper has a secret weapon: her famously generous pal Rosie O'Donnell. But in light of Trump and O'Donnell's tricky past, she can't possibly ask her to participate, a fact she mentions during the boardroom. Trump seizes on the mere mention of O'Donnell's name to call her disgusting. Classy!
5. Best Sneak Attack: Kirstie Alley goes on the Today show to promote her new A&E reality show, Big Life, and muckraking minx Meredith Vieira blindsides her with a pre-interview package that includes suggestions that Alley's new weight loss plan is linked to Scientology. (Alley denies the connection.) Vieira wisely plays innocent: "You know I wasn't going to start with the whole Scientology controversy, but..." Sure you weren't, Meredith.
4. Best Return: After a four-month hiatus, FlashForward rewards fans with an answer to one of the series' biggest mysteries: Simon (Dominic Monaghan) is Suspect Zero, and a mysterious ring kept him awake during the global blackout. Let the Lord of the Rings jokes commence forthwith.
3. Worst Way with Words: We never look to the musings of the American Idol judges for wisdom, but when Kara DioGuardi critiques Mike Lynche's rendition of "Miss You," she refers to the Rolling Stones — and, more disturbingly, Mick Jagger — in the past tense. Sure, Keith Richards has looked like the inside of an ashtray since, oh, 1987, but all of these guys are very much alive, and still performing even! What a honky-tonk woman.
2. Sharpest Satire: Obviously South Park was going to lampoon Tiger Woods' travails, but how? The writers take their mockery to a new level by laying out the story of the golfing great's Thanksgiving car crash as a violent new video game. Woods and his wife battle Mortal Kombat-style with nine-irons. When Tiger "wins," he's able to apologize and return to golf, at which point the boys are no longer interested. "Golf is stupid again," Stan says.
1. Weirdest Love Triangle, Part II: Should The Good Wife's Alicia (Julianna Margulies) cheat on her cheating husband with her boss? Yes! Alicia and Will not only finally share a first kiss, but their unexpected moment of passion sends our rattled heroine home to hit the sack with Peter for the first time since his scandal. Things just got really complicated — and really, really good!