TVGuide.com's Official Oscars Drinking Game*
Hugh Jackman, The 81st Academy Awards
It's pretty simple really. You must drink:
1. If host Hugh Jackman makes a joke that references the abysmal box office of Australia (Penalty: Shotgun a Foster's oil can.)
2. When a winner displays false modesty ("Wow!", "I didn't think I'd win," "I'm so surprised," "I didn't prepare a speech," etc.). Double penalty if it's Kate Winslet. (Penalty: He drinks a whiskey drink/he drinks a vodka drink/he drinks a lager drink/he drinks a cider drink)
3. When a presenter mispronounces the name of a nominee. (Penalty: A sippie cup full of Chateau Monet framboise liqueur -- pronounced sha-toe moe-nay fram-bwahz li-kerr)
4. If the camera cuts to Jack Nicholson. (Penalty: Crush a Viagra into a shot of the blood of a younger man.)
5. If Sean Penn thanks a gay person he once met in his acceptance speech. (Penalty: Appletini!)
6. If at any point you attempt to replicate the "Single Ladies" choreography in your living room during Beyonce's rumored performance. (Penalty: Two Woo-Woo shots. Once you've finished the shots, please resume your dancing.)
7. When a winner becomes disoriented upon leaving the stage and needs to be directed by the model on hand for that very purpose. (Penalty: Blindfold yourself. Spin in a circle really fast for 60 seconds. Then, four shots of Jagermeister in a row. Now that's disorientation!)
8. If Mickey Rourke — or anyone else — mentions Loki, his recently deceased pet Chihuahua. (Penalty: Hair of the dog. See what I did there?)
9. When a winner takes the time to thank his/her agent, manager, lawyer and pedicurist, but forgets his/her significant other. (Penalty: Scotch on the rocks, enjoyed alone on the sofa.)
10. If Penélope Cruz thanks you for your years of generous support. (Penalty: None. You're clearly already drunk.)
11. If there is any sort of musical/dance number that references the "laugh-a-minute" Holocaust drama The Reader. (Penalty: A flaming shot of anything, because you'll be going to hell just for watching this blight on our culture.)
12. If anyone complains that nobody has even seen any of the nominated movies, or asks with exasperation who any of the following people are: Viola Davis, Frank Langella, Melissa Leo, Michael Shannon, Taraji P. Hanson or Richard Jenkins (Penalty: A tall glass of STFU).
13. Every time ABC promotes its Special! Shocking! Two-hour! Movie event! On Brothers & Sisters next week! (Penalty: A bottle of Pinot)
14. If any portion of an acceptance speech is delivered in a foreign language. (Penalty: Por favor, una cerveza.)
15. If the broadcast includes any kind of Slumdog Millionaire-inspired, hackneyed, imperialist appropriation of Indian cultural signifiers — elephants, Hindu gods, Bollywood dancing. (Penalty: A gin-and-tonic for each year of India's independence)
16. Every time the camera cuts from Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie to Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer in succession. (Penalty: Chug the entire contents of whatever glass is closest until the anxiety subsides.)
17. When the band attempts to play someone off. (Penalty: Hey buddy, can I just get one more before you close? Please? Buddy?)
18. When the show runs past 11 pm/ET (Penalty: One sip of flat champagne for every minute of overage).
*Don't actually play this game, idiot. It's just a joke.