Does the end of The Oprah Winfrey Show have you feeling down, restless and hopeless? Are you losing sleep? Retreating from the warm embraces of your loved ones? Are you worried about how you'll fill the space in your heart (not to mention the time slot) that Oprah left when she signed off Wednesday after 25 years on air? You might be suffering from Empty Oprah Syndrome, a very real condition, according to someone who has no business diagnosing anything and had a trend piece to file.
Following suit, just because we have no business offering treatment options doesn't mean we won't. Coping starts here with 10 easy tips to overcoming Oprah withdrawal.
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1. Find religion. Only deities have omnipotence that nears Oprah's.
2. Get out of the house. Start frequenting racetracks, monster-truck rallies and professional wrestling matches — anywhere that employs announcers who stretch out and bellow announced names will do.
3. Eat for comfort. Or, in the words of Wynonna Judd, food-soothe. This may be a short-term solution for a long-term problem, but after you've gained weight, you can make the connection, lose it all and wheel around the amount of fat that used to be on your body in a wagon to impress friends.
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4. Engage in shoe antics. Hide a friend's shoes (all of them) so that when you are over his or her house, he or she will scream, "My shoes! Where are my shooooooes?" like Oprah did before almost every taping of her talk show, per Season 25: Oprah Behind the Scenes.
5. Hit the web. To fill Oprah's void, contemplate her voiding and watch the YouTube video called Oprah pees for ten minutes. If you want to contemplate her void a lot, do this 10 times a day for the next 10 years.
6. Loot. Raid whatever businesses are around your vicinity (but be careful because you could get arrested). Invite friends over for a presentation of your finds and call them your "Favorite Things" even if they aren't.
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7. Pen a memoir. Make sure very little of it is actually true. Oprah will not be able to resist and will cut her retirement short. She'll be rapping on your front door with a gavel of judgment faster you can say A Million Little Ratings Points. It'll be a rough couple of years, but don't worry — years later, guilt will set in and you'll get that hug you've always dreamed of.
8. Summon The Secret. Envision The Oprah Winfrey Show staying on the air until the end of time. Wish for it very hard and tell everyone who will listen about your desire. This will put it out into the universe and then it will happen because that is how The Secret works.
9. Revisit. Watch all the old episodes you've been recording and archiving for the past 25 years, starting at the beginning. It should take you another 25 years to get through them. Cycle through again as many times as needed until you are dead.
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10. Watch OWN! It's only her network. Wild horses couldn't keep her from its airwaves because she'd fire them! Getting sad about a talk show host leaving her show to run an entire network is like getting sad about a chef leaving his restaurant to start a chain. This is only going to make things easier and more accessible for you in the long run!