Our top moments of the week:
16. Worst Pity Party: When things get overwhelming for Blair, er, Lisa Whelchel on Survivor: Philippines, she goes to a remote part of camp and starts complaining about how she's not fitting in with her tribemates. "I've been on my own since I was 12 when I moved to California to be on The Mickey Mouse Club," she says weepily to the camera. Now that's how you make strong allies on Survivor — bring up your Disney past!
15. Best Misunderstanding: Parenthood's Grandpa Zeek makes an illegal U-turn after picking up his grandkids from school. When he gets pulled over, the cop learns that Zeek's driver's license has been expired for a year. Zeek asks the cop not to ticket him in front of his family, but when he tries to get out of the car, the cop treats him as hostile and arrests him. At least now he has street cred?
14. Worst Copycat: The BAU solves the case of "The Silencer" — an unsub who sews people's mouths shut — on Criminal Minds, but little do they know, the work has just begun. In the final minutes of the season premiere, we see the new, season-long, crime-duplicating unsub, who is developing photos of each member of the team in a darkroom. So this guy is stalking them? Didn't we already go through this with The Fisher King?
13. Worst Cover-Up: Sophie Tweed-Simmons insists she wants to make it on The X Factor solely based on her vocal abilities and not because she has a famous father, KISS lead singer Gene Simmons. However, her actions say otherwise when she brings Dad to the audition and then tells the judges her full name as soon as she takes the stage to audition (couldn't she have just said "Sophie"?) Demi Lovato quickly blows her cover, but fortunately, Sophie's rendition of Adele's "Make You Feel My Love" is good enough to get her through to the next round. Might we gently suggest wearing a little more makeup for boot camp?
12. Worst Surprise: After getting a sexy, big-city makeover from Sex and City star Sarah Jessica Parker, aka Kurt's new Vogue boss Isabelle Wright, Rachel invites Brody over for a romantic dinner at her apartment on Glee. After they each make some embarrassing confessions (he loves Ace of Base; she once proofread a love letter), the two — finally! — kiss by candlelight. But just as things really heat up, Rachel hears a knock at her door and suddenly finds Finn standing in front of her, looking at Brody with a very puzzled (read: distraught) expression on his face. We smell a country song coming on, no?
11. Second-Least Surprising Death: There was death all around Shondaland this week, with Private Practice's Pete meeting his maker in one of the most gruesome ways. When Pete misses his court hearing, Violet automatically assumes he has jumped bail and fled the country for South America. She all but writes him off when she gets a call from his phone — except it's not Pete calling her. The person on the other end is calling to tell Violet that Pete died of a heart attack while jogging and had fallen off the path, where his body was later discovered by a dog. Well, that's one way to cut an actor from a show.
10. Best Mommy Issues: Hawaii Five-0 kicks off its third season by introducing McGarrett's believed-to-be-dead mom Doris, who explains that she faked her death 20 years ago to "quit" the CIA and protect her family. When Wo Fat escapes (in a ridiculous sequence worthy of Michael Bay), Mama McGarrett is put on lockdown at a safe house. But sure enough, Wo Fat finds her, and the duo share an off-screen showdown complete with gunshots before he ultimately escapes. But just as McGarrett sends him mom back into hiding, he learns that she fired her three shots into the floor. So, did she let him go, or did a Transformer come and save him?
9. Best Kiss: Winning an Emmy comes with lots of perks, as Tom Bergeron learns on Dancing with the Stars. Instead of heading off to the celebrity skybox after her judges' critiques, Kirstie Alley abruptly grabs The Berge's face and plants a big, fat, almost endless kiss on his lips. "That was for your Emmy!" she cries, while a stunned Bergeron puffs an imaginary cigarette. Imagine what she would've done had the show won.
8. Most Nostalgic Trip Down Memory Lane: "History of Rap" is so last year. Jimmy Fallon calls on three of his pals — and stars of his new show Guys with Kids — Anthony Anderson, Jesse Bradford and Zach Cregger to perform on Late Night a mash-up of what is, unfortunately, a dying (dead?) art: the TV theme song. The five-minute medley features many of TV's classic tunes, from shows like The Jeffersons, Happy Days, Cheers, Full House, The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and Friends. Of course, there are plenty of iconic themes that didn't make the cut, but that's what "History of TV Theme Songs, Part 2" is for (hint-hint).
7. Best Blackmail: Not only does Castle end four seasons' worth of will-they-won't-they tension between Castle and Beckett, but it finally solves the murder of Beckett's mother. After literally putting the pieces together of a file that was in an explosion, Beckett learns that Sen. William Bracken (guest star Jack Coleman) is the culprit. Seemingly on a mission to take him down, Beckett corners him at a political function — but doesn't pull the trigger. Instead, she pistol-whips him and blackmails him into agreeing to leave her and her loved ones alone. Now will he keep his word?
6. Most Obvious Twist: We knew that Revolution wouldn't cast Elizabeth Mitchell as a character who only appeared in flashbacks — and it didn't! Rachel's alive! But not only is she alive, she's living with the enemy! Charlie's mom appears to currently be a hostage of Gen. Monroe, but the reason she initially abandoned her family remains unknown. Now that we know that Rachel has no qualms about doing whatever it takes to survive — including attempted murder — could this include selling out her own kin?
5. Best Reveal: Who the heck is Quinn Perkins?! The question that's plagued Scandal fans all summer is finally answered in the Season 2 premiere: She's the Molotov Mistress! Apparently,
Quinn Perkins Lindsay Dwyer was suspected of sending a bomb to her boyfriend's work, killing him and a handful of co-workers. She maintains her innocence — and we just might believe her, considering Olivia and Huck supported her sudden appearance in D.C. with a new identity. But, on the other hand, girl's got a lot of 'splaining to do. Just saying.
4. Most Heartbreaking Death: Two weeks after a brutal death-by-fire, Sons of Anarchy takes things to a whole other level by killing off one of its most beloved characters. Damon Pope tells an imprisoned Jax that in order to end the beef between their respective gangs, Jax must sacrifice one of his members. When Jax, who can't choose between Opie, Chibs and Tig, volunteers to take the bullet himself, Opie steps in at the last minute. Although he puts up a good fight, Opie is eventually taken out with a sickening blow to the back of his head with a metal pipe. After losing his father last season, Opie may have felt he didn't have anything to live for. But a vital part of the show died with him.
3. Worst Call: Three weeks into the season, the stalemate between the National Football League and the official referees turns ugly, fast, during the Monday Night Football showdown between the Seattle Seahawks and the Green Bay Packers. Down 12-7 going into the final play of the game, Seahawks QB Russell Wilson throws a Hail Mary into the end zone, where Packers safety M.D. Jennings clearly intercepts the pass. Undeterred, Seahawks receiver Golden Tate puts his hand on the ball as Jennings goes down, and two replacement officials make two calls: touchback by way of an interception and a touchdown. The officials somehow decide to go with the touchdown call, thereby giving the Seahawks the win. The only good thing to come of this: It accelerated negotiations between the NFL and the regular refs to end the lockout.
2. Here Comes the Bride Award: Another year, another Mrs. Mosby clue on How I Met Your Mother — but this time, we learn more than ever and find out exactly where Ted meets her. As a despondent Ted sits at a train platform on the night of Barney and Robin's future wedding, a woman arrives via taxi and stands a mere 15 feet away from him, carrying a bass guitar and that yellow umbrella (not to mention, wearing some not-so-stylish shoes). So close, yet so far. As usual.
1. Least Surprising Death: It should come as no surprise that Mark dies on Grey's Anatomy, considering news broke months ago that Eric Dane would be leaving the series, but his departure is heartbreaking nonetheless. In the season premiere, Derek and Callie stand over him as his life support is turned off. At least he's reunited with Lexie in the great beyond? RIP, McSteamy! There will never be another McSteamy!
What were your top moments?