David Letterman and Jennifer Lawrence
Our top moments of the week:
14. Best Power Move: Annie finally kills Henry on Covert Affairs in an empty alleyway in Hong Kong, but the biggest game-changer comes halfway around the world. Back at Langley, Calder is nominated to fill the vacant DCS seat, at least temporarily, after Braithwaite's suicide. Though hesitant to accept it at first because he doesn't want to overstep on Joan, who's just given birth, Calder ultimately agrees to it. Now how will everyone react with Calder in charge?
13. Best Double-Hitter: When Schmidt finds out that Coach is taking CeCe out on a date on New Girl, he decides to sabotage their evening by running to the Staples Center with a box of chocolates. Knowing deep down that he should let CeCe move on, Schmidt tells Jess to hit him with her car because it's the only way to prevent him from ruining CeCe and Coach's night. Jess obliges and lightly taps Schmidt, but when a police car sees her, she panics and drives right into Schmidt, hitting him so hard he flies onto her windshield. At least now he really can't make it to the Staples Center in time?
12. Best Line: On Law & Order: SVU, M.E. Warner gives Rollins and Fin a blow-by-blow of their victim's final moments. She explains that the man, who fell off a roof, wasn't there alone because his pants were unzipped, and he had saliva on his penis and ejaculate in his urethra. You know what that means — but Fin apparently needs to hear it in layman's terms. Which leads to this immortal line from Warner: "He came and then he went." Ba-dump-bump!
11. Dumbest Smart Person: Homeland's Carrie Mathison just doesn't know when to stop. The CIA finally gets a line on the man who put the bomb in Brody's car during the attack on Langley (which would prove Brody's innocence). But when it becomes clear that the bomber is about to be killed, Carrie intervenes, at the risk of blowing the entire undercover operation. When Carrie refuses her orders to stand down, Quinn shoots her in the shoulder to stop her in her tracks. Is Brody really worth all this, Carrie?
10. Worst Break-Up: The post-Red John world really is upon us. Because of Bertram's ties to the Blake Association on The Mentalist — not to mention that he (possibly) is Red John — FBI agent Dennis Abbott (Rockmond Dunbar) barges into the CBI and announces that he's shuttering the organization to "clean up the mess" and collect evidence. It's bad enough that Abbott's crew confiscates Jane's couch, but their worst offense comes when an agent bumps into Jane and breaks his beloved turquoise teacup. "That was my favorite cup," a majorly (and hilariously) peeved Jane snips. We'll miss you, teacup!
9. All in the Family Award: Severide takes things into his own hands on Chicago Fire, but ends up (accidentally) opening a whole new can of worms. After his stepmother tells him his dad, Benny, hasn't been around much to help with their two young boys, Severide confronts the 21-year-old woman he has seen his dad about town with. However, Severide is thrown for a loop when the woman reveals she's not Benny's girlfriend, but Benny's daughter, and therefore, Severide's half-sister. Welcome to the family?
8. Dead Woman Walking Award: After Conrad cans Margaux as his publisher on Revenge, she decides to move forward with her own tell-all and sets up a meeting with a Grayson source. This informant is no "lunatic looking for cash," as Margaux believes — it's Lydia Davis! Yup, she's alive and ready to spill all the juicy Grayson deets. Guess we should've seen this coming — we never saw Lydia's dead body after the Season 1 finale plane crash.
7. Biggest Heartbreak: Parenthood fans thought that Amber and Ryan's toughest days were behind them, but Ryan's violent tendencies stemming from his time in battle come raging back, literally, when he sees a musician put his arm on Amber's shoulder at a bar. Ryan suddenly switches from a jealous boyfriend to a crazed fighter in less than 60 seconds. Ryan turns the guy to a bloody pulp. Cut to... Amber standing in a police station crying into her grandfather's arms. We're gonna need a bigger... box of tissues.
6. Thinking with Their Heads Award: After Andy sold his soul to Moloch, we are shocked to learn on Sleepy Hollow that Andy Brooks is kind of... awesome? Following some minor bickering, Crane and Abbie decide to take a risk and allow Andy to be the mouthpiece for the Horseman, whom we learn is actually Crane's ex-bestie Abraham. While the Horseman's identity revelation is the week's most gasp-worthy moment, we're far more excited about Andy being the necromancer and what this means for his role in the show moving forward. Team Andy!
5. Best Performance: Toronto mayor Rob Ford has had a rough few weeks, what with a tape surfacing of him using crack cocaine, the relocation of his powers to his Deputy Mayor, and the cancellation of his reality show after just one episode! However, beloved Anchorman character Ron Burgundy does his best to turn the tide for his "dear friend" and stops by Conan to perform his song for Ford's re-election campaign. Not only does Burgundy perform a rocking cover of Loverboy's "Working for the Weekend," but he also manages to sneak in one of his classic flute solos during the bridge. Stay classy, Toronto!
4. Most Long-Awaited Reunion: Between James possibly having sex with Sally's hubby and Huck possibly torturing Quinn, we're positively exhausted from Scandal's bombshells. But the biggest comes when Mama Pope escapes custody and reunites with her shocked daughter on the sidewalk. How she's going to explain being "dead" for 20 years is a whole other issue to be tackled next time!
3. Best Snugglefest: There are TMI celebrities and then there's Jennifer Lawrence TMI. During an appearance on The Late Show, the Hunger Games star explains — or charmingly overshares — to Dave her recent gastrointestinal issues that landed her in the ER the day before. "I thought I had an ulcer and it turns out it was a 'false-cer,' she says, coining a new term for "fake ulcer." "You know you can only sh-- your pants so many times a day before you go to the emergency room." After detailing her lucid dreams during her endoscopy (which involved the Kardashians), Lawrence says she's shivering, so a staffer brings out a big fluffy pink comforter for her. Naturally, Dave lives out every guy's dream and gets under the covers with her. "Oh, I wish they'd go away, don't you? Go away everyone," he says. "Are they gone? I hope they're gone." "I don't know if they're gone, but the rumors are going to start," she replies. Never change, J. Law, never change.
2. Most Surprisingly Sad Death: Sons of Anarchy's Clay Morrow has deserved death for a couple seasons now. But just when it seems the old man was on his way back into power — Jax & Co. break him out of his prison transport in order for him to continue running guns for the Irish Kings — Jax reveals his master plan. After reuniting Clay with Gaalan as they agreed, Jax shoots Gaalan in the head. As it becomes clear that SAMCRO isn't keeping its deal with the Irish, Clay begins to realize that his great escape is ultimately a death trap. Clay says his goodbyes to Gemma and willingly accepts his fate as Jax fires a shot to his throat (and several more to the chest) that he's wanted to fire for so long. Is it weird that, despite Clay's dirty deeds, we feel a little sorry for him?
1. Most Shocking Death: Person of Interest's promos told us someone was going to die — but we still can't believe the chosen victim. Although Fusco spends most of the hour being brutally tortured, he escapes the death that had been foreshadowed. Instead, after handing HR leader Alonzo Quinn over to the feds and taking down almost every member of the corrupt cop organization, it's (newly re-instated) Detective Carter who is gunned down by HR lieutenant Simmons. Sure, she dies a hero protecting Reese, but there's no easy way to say goodbye. RIP, Joss.
What were your top moments?