Jake Johnson and Zooey Deschanel
Our top moments of the week:
12. Best Fighting Words: While Nicki Minaj and Mariah Carey are busy pulling each other's pigtails over on American Idol, the coaches on The Voice get snippy because they care. After Blake Shelton picks country singer Holly Tucker over the eclectic Luke Edgemon, Adam Levine is outraged. "Let me explain why you're an idiot, because he's a whole unique thing," Adam squarely says to Blake. Play nice, boys!
11. Worst Jump in the Sack: Just as exes Rayna and Deacon look ready to move on with their respective significant others on Nashville, Rayna stops by Deacon's place in the wake of a dust-up he has with his girlfriend about his feelings for Rayna. Rayna proclaims that she loves him and the two passionately kiss before taking it to the bedroom. Ugh, can't we just let Juliette anchor this show solo? We've heard this Rayna-Deacon tune way too many times before.
10. Best Redemption: Andy Dick's Dancing with the Stars elimination is a foregone conclusion after he (undeservedly) earned a 5 from Carrie Ann Inaba, but it's still moving nonetheless. Having defied everyone's expectations of his dancing and his persona, the newly sober star chokes back tears as he says his goodbyes. "It's just been the best," Andy says, his voice cracking. "The fact that we are here in Week 7 is amazing. I really thank everybody here. The fans, the judges — it's been a wonderful, wonderful ride." Of course, he couldn't leave without one last zinger: "Carrie Ann, I'm going to kill you for that 5! What did you do? It's all your fault."
9. Worst Surprise: In the final moments of Grey's Anatomy, Jo shows up at Alex's house, bruised and beaten. If Chest Pecwell is behind this, Alex better kick his butt!
8. So You Think You Can Dance Award: Rebel Wilson's not just a great improv comedian — she can dance on the fly too! On Late Night, Jimmy Fallon challenges Wilson to create randomly named (and heretofore nonexistent) dance moves. Quick on her feet (no pun intended), Wilson grinds out "The Mick Jagger Chicken" and teams up with Fallon for "The I'm Holding Too Much Eye Contact While Thrusting." Take that, "Harlem Shake"!
7. Bloodiest Cliff-Hanger: You didn't think The Following would end its first season without a steep body count, did you? After Joe Carroll apparently dies in an explosion (according to DNA and dental records), Ryan and Claire retreat to his place, where they find Ryan's ex Molly, who stabs them both and tells him, "You were always my chapter." We're pretty sure that Kevin Bacon will be back next season, but without his creepy flirtation with Joe Carroll's ex, what will he have to live for?
6. Why the Face? Award: The last time Ke$ha was on Conan, she talked about having sex with a ghost. This time? She wears a dress adored with tiny Conan faces, tells him how she uses her breasts to write songs ("I just let them tickle the ivories") and brings him some sexy gifts: a fan's tooth dipped in gold and a pair of tighty-whities with her face on them. Naturally, Coco puts them on. "I'm wearing your underwear, I've got the tooth, and thinking about your breasts playing the piano," he says. "This is the greatest night of my life."
5. Best (Lack of) Action: It's the moment Scandal fans have been waiting for! After Mellie set a deadline for Fitz to try to rekindle their marriage, POTUS (finally!) decides once and for all to let the clock run out in order to prove to Olivia that he's chosen her. He certainly "earned" her in the shower, don't you think?
4. Most Delayed Damage Control: Two weeks after her disorderly conduct arrest, a contrite Reese Witherspoon apologizes for her behavior on Good Morning America, and reveals that what was mentioned in the police report (aka her asking the cop if he knew her name) wasn't even the half of it. "I have no idea what I was saying that night," Witherspoon says, adding that she "panicked" when she saw her husband, Jim Toth, who was arrested on suspicion of DUI, being handcuffed. "I said all kinds of crazy things. I told [the officer] I was pregnant. I'm not pregnant. ... I am so sorry." That's great, Reese... so why did you cancel your GMA appearance last week again?
3. Best Jump in the Sack: After everyone in the group shares their stories of how they lost their virginity on New Girl, Nick heeds his now-departed dad's advice that some of the best things in life don't require thinking. Jess is about to go meet the strapping firefighter she lost her V-card to, but Nick stops the elevator, picks her up and literally sweeps her off her feet to his bedroom. "It's time not to think," he tells her, and the two passionately kiss and (finally!) consummate their crazy sexual tension. As the episode ends, they exchange shocked post-coital expressions. They awkwardly laugh and the last sound heard is Jess saying "Ruh-roh." No awkward Nick Miller moonwalk necessary.
2. Come and Knock on Our Door Award: After locking lips with Will (again) and this time getting caught by Diane on The Good Wife, Alicia leaves Peter's victory party early and goes home. She pours herself a nice glass of wine and gives herself an encouraging pep talk in the mirror as she waits for someone at the door. But just when fans think it's Will who is knocking, Alicia opens the door to Cary and tells him "I'm in" — presumably to join the rival firm he is starting. We have never been so excited to see business cards, like, ever.
1. Most Heartbreaking Twist: After eight seasons, Bones fans finally get the marriage proposal they've been waiting for when Brennan pops the question to Booth (with a bag of beef jerky). But before the conversation turns to invitations and honeymoons, serial killer Pelant shows up and threatens to kill five innocents unless Booth calls off the engagement. Although Brennan puts on a brave face as Booth explains that getting married while under intense pressure is a bad idea, it's clear in the finale's final moments that she is crushed. She was even looking at a bridal magazine, for crying out loud! Here's hoping this doesn't force Brennan back into her cold shell.
What were your top moments?