Top Moments: Virgins' Horrifying First Kiss and Mother's Big Twist
Our top moments of the week:
15. Worst Christmas Surprise: Andy is only asking for trouble on The Office when he invites his new girlfriend to the Christmas party at Dunder Mifflin where, in case you forgot, his ex-girlfriend still works. And you know what he gets in his stocking? Trouble. On the advice of an equally broken-hearted Robert California, Erin gets wasted at the party and winds up in a close hug (and maybe more?) with Robert, much to Andy's chagrin. What exactly were you expecting, Nard Dog?
14. Worst Break-Taking Moment: After not sleeping with anyone other than her boyfriend Spencer in more than six years, Jess is understandably worried that she won't be adventurous enough in the sack for her new guy, Paul (the equally adorkable Justin Long), on New Girl. Unfortunately, Jess goes from adventurous (see: bondage-like lingerie) to disturbing in five seconds flat when she lightly chokes Paul as they're making out. Remember, Jess, you can't have sex with him if he's dead. This isn't Clerks.
13. Saddest Blindsiding: Annie finally decides to test the romantic waters with Auggie on Covert Affairs, taking his hand and telling him that he's the only one she wants to talk to after coming back from Stockholm. The usually intuitive Auggie, however, totally misreads her and, after giving her his Corvette, drops a bombshell: He's going to Eritrea to pursue a relationship with Parker. Annie's heartbreak is compounded by the fact that Auggie, being blind, can't see her teary, crumpleface reaction. "I can literally hear you smiling," he tells her.
12. Sweetest Gift: What does Leslie Knope love most? The Parks Department, Pawnee and sweets. (Have you seen how much whipped cream she puts on her waffles?) So her Parks and Recreation team pulls together to get her two perfect gifts: a re-creation of the Parks Department made entirely of candy and an offer to run her campaign for City Council. Does this mean Leslie Knope 2012 lollipops are in our future?
11. Sealed with a Crash Award: Chuck and Blair fans, rejoice! Blair — finally — makes the decision we knew she would and chooses to be with Chuck on Gossip Girl. Too bad the paparazzi get wind that Blair is leaving her prince in the dust and chase her limo into a road block just as Blair and Chuck share a romantic kiss. The result? A fiery crash and an unknown fate for Chuck. It could be worse — Blair could have picked Dan.
10. Worst Temper Tantrum: Do not awake the beast! Sleeping beauty Kim Kardashian flips out on sister Khloe when she wakes her up to say goodbye on Kourtney and Kim Take New York. "[You're a] dumb, little, evil f---ing troll. You have no idea how much I hate you. You're disgusting," Kim texts Khloe. "[Kim thinks that] I'm spiteful, I'm jealous of her life," Khloe says. "It's crazy that she thinks that way, but also sad." Tell us about it — especially when Kim reveals the root of her frustration: Khloe has not been supportive of her relationship with and marriage to Kris Humphries. Uh, well, she wasn't wrong. Team Khloe!
9. Oh, Mother Award: After Grace briefly goes missing (aka "that time Grace got baptized without telling anyone and butt-dialed her mom 12 times") on The Good Wife, Alicia comes to the hard realization that she can no longer juggle being a good lawyer, a good single mother and a good girlfriend. Unfortunately, there's only title she can afford to shed, so Alicia breaks up with Will, telling him "I can't," as tears stream down her face. Will waited 15 years to get dumped like that?
8. Best New Mystery: On Homeland, everything seems to go according to Carrie and Saul's plan to take down Walker when Al Zahrani helps orchestrate a meeting in a public square. A man fitting Walker's description arrives, but Carrie's instincts immediately tell her something's wrong. It turns out that Walker has actually recruited a homeless lookalike to send in his place and before Carrie can do anything about it, Walker remotely detonates a bomb inside the man's briefcase. Carrie is injured, but she has bigger fish to fry: There's a mole in the CIA. Who is it?
7. Biggest Letdown: After revving up its fourth season to a breaking point, Sons of Anarchy goes out with a bit of a whimper. Like Hamlet, which Sons creator Kurt Sutter has cited as an inspiration, the show forces prince Jax to ask: "To kill or not to kill Clay?," the man who murdered Jax's father and ordered a hit on Jax's fiancée. Ultimately, the combination of a deus ex machina — Romeo is working with the CIA! — and the Irish Kings' unwillingness to deal with SAMCRO without Clay forces Jax to keep the old man around a while longer. Or as Hamlet might say, "To be... continued?"
6. Worst Drunken Hookup: Remember that one time in college when your mom came to visit and she embarrassed you in front of your friends? That's nothing compared to what Boardwalk Empire's Jimmy Darmody went through. Grieving after the murder of his wife Angela, Jimmy flashes-back to the beginnings of their relationship at Princeton. But even during those fledgling days of puppy love, Jimmy's mom literally came between the couple. While visiting Jimmy, Gillian gets so drunk she can barely stand. When Jimmy helps her undress, Gillian kisses her son and, thanks to his own intoxication, it doesn't stop there. No wonder the poor boy ran away to fight in the war!
5. Death Becomes Her Award: Poor Violet! First, Tate tries to force a suicide pact on her on American Horror Story. Then, when she wants no part of that, he decides it's an optimal time to reveal to her (and to us) that Violet is actually dead. Yup, she OD'd on those pills she took two weeks ago, and Tate has squirreled away her decomposing corpse — which is disgustingly teeming with flies — in the basement. Between this and Tate impregnating her mother, maybe Violet's better off dead?
4. Most Chilling Sequel: When Bree learns from Chuck that the investigation into Alejandro's disappearance is now officially under way on Desperate Housewives, she feels she has no one to turn to, so she rents a dingy motel room where she contemplates suicide. She sits alone at a table with a bottle of alcohol and a gun, and suddenly has a vision of Mary Alice sitting across from her. She tells Mary Alice that she is so unhappy and asks if she is happy after committing suicide. "I'm not unhappy," Mary Alice says cryptically before vaporizing, leaving Bree to make her choice. Don't do it, Bree! There's still more than half the final season left to go.
3. Big Girls, Please Don't Cry Award: The X Factor has already had several dramatic eliminations (see: Astro's face-off with Simon Cowell), but it was way worse when 13-year-old Rachel Crow gets the boot. She falls to the floor sobbing and screams "Mommy," for cripe's At least Rachel's reaction is more age-appropriate than that of judge Nicole Scherzinger, who takes the stage also sobbing, but is then so distraught that she says nothing when Steve Jones shoves the microphone in her face. Is that a cry for Rachel or a cry for attention, Nicole? We really can't tell the difference anymore.
2. Best Bait and Switch: So Robin wasn't pregnant after all on How I Met Your Mother. (Why didn't she just take a pregnancy test again?) In fact, she learns that she can never get pregnant, she tells her supposed future children, Ted-style. Wait, what? Though Robin has never wanted children, she becomes overwhelmed with sadness at the option being taken away, which leads you to believe that she must've adopted those kids, right? Nope! The kids are just a figment of her imagination, and she never became a mother. Is it a cheap stunt? Perhaps. But it's also an accurate portrayal of her infertility: She's not losing children; she loses the idea, the thought — the vision — of them.
1. Most Terrifying Kiss: We've all seen the infamous and unbearably awkward first kiss from Virgin Diaries by now, but what none of us were prepared for is the continual lip-lock/jaw workout between Ryan and Shanna at their wedding. "The kiss was, um, hard to explain," Ryan's mother offers charitably. Other have described it variously as "like a mama bird feeding her chick," "nursing-like," and "chew-y." Let's just hope that practice makes perfect for this charming young couple.
What were your top moments?