Jessica Simpson and Jimmy Kimmel
Our top moments of the week:
12. Don't Speak Award: Switched at Birth films a groundbreaking all-American Sign Language episode that proves that silence can be more powerful than words. When the Carlton students learn that their school will be closing, they stage a protest. During the school play, the fire alarms sound and as the parents and staff head outside, Daphne, Emmett & Co. hold up signs reading "Take Back Carlton" and lock themselves inside, vowing not to come out until their voices are heard.
11. Best Battle (Non) Cry: On Suburgatory, Dalia takes it upon herself to help Mr. Wolfe get revenge against his cheating ex, Chef Alan, and in the process she reveals one very surprising tidbit about herself. When Mr. Wolfe asks Dalia how she knows so much about getting revenge against an ex, Dalia lets out a horrifying and ear-piercing sound that her stylist explains is a "dry cry" she taught herself years earlier so as not to ruin her makeup. But what about our hearing? Isn't that worth saving?
10. Best Bromance: After Eli successfully fights off bribery charges, Peter officially asks him to return to the gubernatorial campaign on The Good Wife in a surprisingly touching moment for the calculating campaign manager and the (formerly) bad husband. As Eli goes in for a handshake, Peter brings him in for a hug and admits he can't go to Springfield without him. "Or Washington," Eli adds. Could the bad husband be planning to seek higher office? We vote yes.
9. Insult to Injury Award: On The Amazing Race, Dave and Connor decide to soldier on after doctors confirm that Dave has torn his Achilles' tendon. Surely, they're doomed, right? Nope. Thanks to Jessica and John giving them the second Express Pass, a walking boot and Dave booking it on crutches like nobody ever has, they win the leg. But there's no rest for the weary, er, injured. It's a super-leg and Phil Keoghan gives them their next clue right then and there to continue racing. (Now that's just cruel, guys.) But will they still race on? Cliff-hanger!
8. Craziest Comeback: On Sunday's episode of The Walking Dead, Morgan (finally) returns — but this isn't the protective father we met in the pilot. Falling further down the rabbit hole than Rick, Morgan has turned into a deranged survivor, booby-trapping their hometown and hording enough guns to end the apocalypse. Despite his increasing insanity, Morgan has to return. The show is that much better for it.
7. Worst Reasoning: Poor Bret Michaels. He never stood a chance. Not against Omarosa. Not against Donald Trump. The rocker is the only former winner to return to All-Star Celebrity Apprentice as a competitor, which Trump cannot seem to grasp. So when project manager Brande Roderick brings Bret back into the boardroom, The Donald seizes the opportunity to fire Bret — not for empirically doing anything wrong in the task, like say, oh, Brande, who had no control over anything, but just for having the gall to return. Seriously. "You're asking me to pick you as a winner again, which I thought was crazy," he says. "It was incredulous to me that you came back." Um, is raising more money for charity not a good reason?
6. Most Awkward Meltdown: American Idol's self-proclaimed "awkward turtle," Charlie Askew, 17, debuts a new rocker look and does his best rendition of Genesis' "Mama"... which isn't very good at all between the screeching and feather earring. The judges hate it too — Randy repeatedly calls it "terrible" — and Charlie visibly starts shaking and tearing up. He breaks down when Ryan Seacrest does the requisite post-critique interview, so much so that Seacrest has to remind him that he has "friends here." Maybe you're just not cut out for this, dude. Sorry, Charlie.
5. Laziest Copycat: Joe Carroll escapes! While we're not totally shocked that the serial killer manages to flee from authorities on The Following (how much longer are we to believe that he can orchestrate all this from behind bars?), the whole thing could have gone down in a more original way. The FBI's surveillance footage of Joe being transported in a van to his new prison turns out to be a planted reel, and Joe is actually in the trunk of the car of his eight-fingered lawyer Olivia. Clearly, Ryan & Co. have never seen Ocean's 11 before.
4. Worst Daddy Issues: Neal Caffrey gets the short end of the stick in more ways than one on the season finale of White Collar. First, he finds out that his long-lost dad, James, lied to him about being framed for the murder of a cop decades earlier. Then he learns that his longtime surrogate dad, Peter, has been framed by James for murdering a senator. The loss of two dads with one bullet.
3. Most (Un)planned Announcement: Most expectant celebrities let the sex of their unborn slip by accidentally using a pronoun. Not Jessica Simpson. While lamenting her pregnancy woes on Jimmy Kimmel Live!, the Fashion Star judge quips: "The crazy thing is, I never knew that a wiener could actually make me nauseous." We don't blame you if you think it's a really weird dirty joke at first (after all, Kimmel is confused), but a flustered Simpson soon realizes her gaffe: "Well, I guess I just told the whole world I'm having a boy!" "Oh! I didn't even know what was happening!" Kimmel says. "I can't believe I just did that. That was not planned," Simpson insists. Or was it?
2. Most Heartbreaking Sequel: Dallas honors the late Larry Hagman in a final scene very befitting J.R. Ewing. J.R. calls his John Ross from overseas not to give one of his usual lectures, but to commend his son for following in his footsteps. "I'm proud of you. You're my son. From tip to tail," J.R. tells John Ross moments before the camera briefly fades to black and John Ross hears gunshots on the other end of the line — subsequently kicking off a new "Who shot J.R." mystery more than 30 years after the original. After all, it only makes sense for a character like J.R. to go out with a bang, right?
1. He Said, She Said Award: Things get awkwardly heated on The Bachelor's Women Tell All special when AshLee asks Sean why he told her in the fantasy suite that he had "absolutely no feelings" for the other two women. Sean denies the accusations, but AshLee refuses to back down during the commercial break. "I would have never said something like that," Sean whispers. "But you did!" AshLee fires back. "You did! I want to beat you right now because you said it." So... AshLee for Bachelorette? Anyone? No?
What were your top moments?