Nicki Minaj and Maria Carey
Our top moments of the week:
13. Scariest First Date: The Bachelor's first one-on-one date goes to Sarah, a gorgeous blonde who was born with one arm. She and Sean are picked up by helicopter (what else?) and he tells her that they're going to free-falling down the side of a 300-foot high building. (Get it? They'll free-fall in love!) Sarah's scared to death and screams Sean's (and our) ears off as they descend. Haven't these girls learned to tell producers they're "terrified" of shopping?
12. Best Name-Dropping: On The New Normal, Bryan tries his stay-at-home dad skills out on Shania while Goldie is out of town. So when Shania gets scared in the middle of the night, Bryan takes her into his arms and tries to tell her a bedtime story about how, once upon a time, he saw a woman named Uma Thurman without any makeup on at a Walgreens at 2 a.m. buying a six-pack of vanilla Ensure. "Oh wait," Bryan says, "that story is too scary." Apparently, someone didn't catch Uma's five-episode arc on Smash.
11. Best Accessory: Don Cheadle went home victorious on Sunday when he won the Golden Globe award for best actor in a comedy series for House of Lies. And he's not letting anyone forget it. When he stops by The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson, he comes on wearing the award as a necklace he claims to have gotten from the necklace store. Good thing, he wasn't won an Oscar yet. Such a heavy statue might give him some serious neck pain!
10. Best Party Crasher: Manny's surprise birthday party doesn't go as planned on Modern Family. After he unknowingly kisses a girl in the dark in front of his family and friends, Gloria's water breaks. Determined not to let Manny share his birthday with his little bro, she tries to hold the baby in as long as she can until Manny gives her the green light. "I've felt a little neglected lately, but I've had you to myself for 14 years," he says. "You're trying to hold another person inside of you to spare my feelings. Message received." And with that, the littlest Pritchett is born! Mazel tov!
9. She's with the Band Award: Robin and Barney book a band for their wedding on How I Met Your Mother. Flash-forward to a week before their nuptials, when Ted tells Cindy, whom he runs into on the subway, that the band pulled out and asks if she knows anyone. Lo and behold, she says her old roommate is a bassist in the Tri-State area's top wedding band. Flash-forward to the wedding, where Ted's eyeing the bassist from the bar. If you're going to keep doing this, guys, you better not drag out the reveal for another year.
8. Weirdest Ultimatum: Team Mark or Team Hank? Parenthood fans have been divided ever since Hank (Ray Romano) awkwardly semi-stole Sarah away from her fiancé Mark (Jason Ritter) earlier this season. However, even the most adamant Hank fans are left with little room to argue after Hank confronts Sarah about Mark telling Hank he wants to win Sarah back. Hank admits that he's "into this" with Sarah, but knows that he's going to get screwed over and walks away as he tells her to figure it out on her own. So, Sarah, what'll it be?
7. Most Abrupt Heartbreak: Will anyone ever be happy on Criminal Minds? Reid finally meets his girlfriend Maeve (Beth Riesgraf) face-to-face when he talks down her stalker/kidnapper Diane (Michelle Trachtenberg) by insisting that he's really in love with her and not Maeve. But Diane realizes she's being tricked, shoots Reid in the arm and holds Maeve at gunpoint. He makes one final plea to take Maeve's place, but Diane pulls the trigger instead, killing both herself and Maeve. And so Reid's long-awaited romance ends before it can even start, and Maeve's death joins the ever-growing list of trauma and grief inflicted upon the BAU. Let's just hope Reid doesn't go back on Dilaudid.
6. Biggest Risk: On Scandal, the President of the United States has been out of his coma for less than a day and already he wants to do the unthinkable: get a divorce. Following his attempted assassination, Fitz decides he no longer wants to play games and asks Mellie to end their marriage. A sitting president attempting to get a divorce from his pregnant wife before he tries to seek re-election? Sounds like it's about time for Fitz's doctors to up his medication.
5. Worst Elimination: Top Chef promptly loses a bazillion credibility points when the judges shockingly eliminate front-runner Kristen instead of Josie, who, as Gail Simmons correctly points out, has been "skating by because everybody has to take responsibility because she's not stepping up." Yes, everything is ultimately on Kristen since she was the Restaurant Wars head chef, but how could you ignore the fact that she was forced to modify Josie's bouillabaisse at the last minute because of Josie's slow pace and complete lack of urgency and accountability? The only upside? Kristen still has a chance to come back via Last Chance Kitchen.
4. Most Shocking Secret: Byron Montgomery is looking even more shady and guilty on Pretty Little Liars. After asking her mom about the night Alison went missing, Aria is relieved to hear that her parents had wine and passed out. But when Aria talks to Byron's ex-mistress, Meredith, she is shocked to learn that he later met up with Meredith and stormed out in search of Alison, who was blackmailing them. A shaken Meredith admits to Aria that she's afraid Byron killed Alison.
3. Oops! He Did It Again Award: Who's surprised that Lance Armstrong doped? Certainly not Jon Stewart. The Daily Show host says it all makes sense in hindsight since Armstrong won seven Tour de France titles after battling testicular cancer. "Any idiot with half a brain should have been able to see that Armstrong was lying," Stewart says — before playing a clip of his 2006 interview with the disgraced cyclist, in which he asks: "They've been testing you like crazy. They've been following you. Don't the results speak for themselves at some point?" "Nailed it again!" Stewart laughs. "You know what, for as good at interviewing as I am, I would not be surprised if Armstrong was also banging David Petraeus."
2. You Go, Glen Coco! Award: Mariah Carey and Nicki Minaj's American Idol feud is exactly what we expected — and more. In a totally surreal and wonderfully appropriate exchange, the divas bicker over... Mean Girls! "OK, who says, 'I want to lose 3 pounds'? Which character?" Mariah asks Nicki after the rapper claims she knows the movie. "Um, not Lindsay [Lohan]. The other one, with the blond hair," Nicki answers. "What's her name?" Mariah demands with glee, knowing that she's stumped her. "You know something, Mariah?" Nicki says. "I just want to know!" Mariah laughs. (For the record, it's Regina George.) Sorry, Nicki, looks like Mimi's Queen Bee for now.
1. Best Confession: During Lance Armstrong's buzzed-about sit-down with Oprah Winfrey on Oprah's Next Chapter, the disgraced cyclist does indeed confess to doping at the very beginning of the interview. However, perhaps the best moment comes when Winfrey asks Armstrong to watch old footage of himself vehemently denying that he used banned substances. He responds by calling himself "an arrogant p----." Anyone care to argue? Bueller? Bueller?
What were your top moments?