Diane Keaton and Ellen DeGeneres
Our top moments of the week:
12. Worst Dating Rule: Ryan Lochte may not want to do The Bachelor, but he's still looking for love on What Would Ryan Lochte Do? the only way he knows how. Seriously, he only knows one way: take a girl out for a little raw fish, because he's "never met a girl that didn't like sushi." (Until he meets Megan, who has never eaten sushi or even heard of wontons.) When his older sisters learn this, they reprimand him for taking all his dates to the same place. "It might be the same place. It might be the same table," he says. "But it's a different girl." Deep.
11. Worst Intervention: Ever since she first popped up earlier this season, Alicia's mom, Veronica (Stockard Channing), has made no secret of her dislike for Peter on The Good Wife. So when Alicia tells her that Peter wants to renew their vows, she also tells her to stay away from Peter or she'll never see her grandkids again. Veronica still manages to get involved by going to Will instead and asking if he loves her daughter. "You have a very small window, but it's closing," she tells him. Yup, we're sure this is exactly what Alicia had in mind.
10. Best Timing: He may be a first-time coach on The Voice, but Usher sure knows what makes good live TV. After Shakira cuts C. Perkins loose, he hugs each of the judges on his way out of the theater. But what's this? As Perkins approaches Usher's red chair, the feisty judge pushes his button to steal the ousted singer at the last possible minute. Best goodbye present ever!
9. Best Reveal: On Bates Motel, Dylan tries to convince his half-brother, Norman, to get away from their controlling mother Norma. He shares his theory that Mommie Dearest killed Norman's father. Not exactly, says Norma. Actually, it was Norman, in a catatonic rage, who offed his dad to protect his mother. Norma then staged the scene to make it look like an accident, which Norman believes when he snaps out of it. More bad news: Norman's fits of rage are becoming more frequent; we're, like, minutes from seeing the cross-dressing slasher emerge.
8. Most Delusional: After becoming Internet-famous for uttering two curses as his first — and practically last -- words as a local news anchor in Bismarck, N.D., A.J. Clemente stops by the Late Show to talk to David Letterman about the viral video. After admitting that he "crawled in bed and called my parents" after the broadcast, Clemente says that he's open to "better offers" now that he's between gigs. "If ESPN comes knocking ..." he tells Letterman. This guy is so... the opposite of en fuego.
7. Bloodiest Death: Jacob has never been the most devoted of Joe's acolytes on The Following, so it's no surprise that he wants out... with Emma. "All those people — they just gave up their lives. For what? To be part of some book he wrote?" he pleads to her. "I don't want to die for him, Emma. I don't want you to die either." Too bad she doesn't feel the same way! "I love you too, Jacob. And I love Joe," she says before slashing his neck. "And I don't know how to love you both." And we don't know why a gallon of blood gushed out of his neck.
6. Most Shocking Twist: Scandal finally sheds light on Huck's backstory, revealing that the happy-go-lucky soldier-turned-ruthless assassin was a member of B613, a CIA Black Ops division created to torture and kill people. What was more shocking than finding out Huck actually had a wife (Fringe's Jasika Nicole) and a son while doing this is that Jake Ballard (Scott Foley) is also a member of B613. Gulp!
5. The Blazing Badass Award: We may have a winner, winner, dragon dinner after this week's fiery Game of Thrones. When Daenerys rebels against the slavers in Astapor, she orders her dragon to spew fire against the tyrannical masters, sending them to the crispy afterlife in grand fashion. After meting out this moral punishment, she then takes away their newly liberated 8,000 warrior-slaves for her rapidly growing army to wrest back the Iron Throne. Do not mess with this khaleesi!
4. Best Parting Shot: Watch What Happens: Live host Andy Cohen just can't help himself sometimes, which is why when The Big C stars Laura Linney and John Benjamin Hickey stop by the clubhouse, Andy asks viewers to vote on whether Linney should give Hickey a hickey. Shockingly (not), 81 percent of viewers vote yes and as the credits start to roll, Linney goes all in and sucks on Hickey's neck — "like a Hoover," as Cohen points out — while softly stroking Hickey's face with her hand. Now is that dedication to her craft or what?
3. Best Lush: Can Diane Keaton please be our new drinking buddy? During an appearance on The Ellen DeGeneres Show, the Oscar winner appears to get a little tipsy off DeGeneres' wine purses (yes, those exist) while hilariously trying to promote her film The Big Wedding. "Do you know what tantric sex is? The audience?" she asks. "Look, I'm Diane and the character that I play was someone else. ... The definition is something like, well, when you have tantric sex, you go for a long time and you have that thing called the orgasm. For nine hours! That's ridiculous!" With that, both DeGeneres and Keaton dissolve into giggles. There's more... watch it all!
2. Best Cliff-Hanger: After a flirty, but futile mission to capture Bodnar in Berlin on NCIS, Tony and Ziva return home and have a heart-to-heart in the car, during which she reveals some details about her family life. Just as Tony grabs her hand, they get sideswiped by a car. The episode ends with Tony's bloody hand reaching for Ziva's motionless one. We're pretty sure they'll both make it out alive, but there's nothing like a near-death experience to bring people closer.
1. Worst Favoritism: Jeez, American Idol. As if it wasn't obvious already that Amber is The Chosen One this season, the judges heap undeserved, effusive praise on her, hijacking Candice's second critique in the process. Because Jimmy Iovine had the gall to go off script, Nicki Minaj sidesteps Candice's performance and takes Jimmy to task for (rightfully) criticizing Amber's take on "MacArthur Park" earlier. Randy Jackson joins in and Ryan Seacrest promptly brings Jimmy out on stage to defend himself. They all go at it until Nicki and Randy admit that Candice had given the better performance, and it culminates with Nicki running to the stage to mock-strangle Jimmy before hugging him, all while Candice stands awkwardly next to them — excuse us, gets run over by a bus.
What were your top moments?