Conan O'Brien, Chelsea Handler
Our top moments of the week:
14. The First (Hair)Cut Is the Deepest: On The Mindy Project, our fearless heroine develops a crush on a cool pastor who unfortunately finds her to be a little self-absorbed. To show him how altruistic she is, she volunteers to treat the inmates at a women's prison, but when she gives one woman candy and a pashmina, it incites a riot, during which Mindy loses a giant chunk of her hair.
13. Most Heartbreaking Finale: We know we're supposed to root for Raylan on Justified, but it's Boyd and Ava's unhappy ending that hits home on the season finale. After forces conspire to separate Boyd and Ava as they're stealing Delroy's body from the funeral home (no body, no murder charges!), Ava ends up getting arrested. With his fiancée being carted off to jail, Boyd breaks into the couple's dream home and stares longingly at the backyard — and the now-impossible non-outlaw future it represents.
12. Best Day at the Beach: Bryan and David's long-awaited nuptials on The New Normal are put on hold when — surprise! — Goldie's water breaks during the ceremony. A few days later, with their newborn son Sawyer Collins (whatevs) in tow, the two stage an impromptu hitching at the beach, surrounded by those closest to them and officiated by... Bryan's Catholic priest? Topical!
11. Best Prank: Castle's 100th episode, which (wait for it) aired on April Fools' Day, pretty literally pays homage to Hitchcock's Rear Window when Rick, confined to a wheelchair and crutches, believes that he's witnessed a murder in the building across the street. When Beckett investigates, Castle watches helplessly as a man attacks her with a kitchen knife. When he finally rushes to the scene to save her (injury be damned!), it turns out that his friends staged the whole thing for an elaborate, one-of-a-kind birthday surprise for Rick. Let's do The Birds next year.
10. Best Crossover: After Peter asks Diane to become an Illinois Supreme Court Justice on The Good Wife, Diane asks Kalinda to snoop through her personal life so that she can be prepared for any skeletons hiding in her closet. Naturally, Kalinda finds something, but it's not what you'd expect. Someone has been writing Vampire Diaries fanfic on Diane's personal computer! Unfortunately, it's not Diane, it's her vampire-loving housekeeper who wrote a lusty scene between the show's protagonists. (For the record, the Kings = Team Delena.)
9. Who's Your Daddy Award: As if it wasn't shocking enough for Suburgatory fans to learn that Dahlia used to dip her toes in the lady pool with Noah's daughter, Lisa Shay uncovers her new secret object of her affection: George Altman, aka her mom's boyfriend. Well, that's going to make the next family portrait awkward!
8. Best Duet: How comfortable is Jay Leno with Jimmy Fallon taking over The Tonight Show? Two days before NBC made it official, the hosts make a PR-savvy video that pokes fun at all the late-night rumors, all to the tune of West Side Story's "Tonight." "Tonight, tonight/my ratings were all right," Leno belts. "Twenty years still in first place. Tonight, tonight/I've got Fox on the line/Or maybe I could take over for Dave." See? Jay's totally cool with it. Let's just hope he remains cool with it.
7. It's About Time Award: Ding-dong, the witch is dead! After two straight weeks of project managers being afraid to bring Omarosa into the boardroom on Celebrity Apprentice, Lil Jon singles out her and Dennis Rodman for raising the least amount of money. With Lil Jon safe, Omarosa and Rodman get into a heated, profanity-laced and nearly unintelligible war of words before Donald Trump shushes them and does something we thought he'd save for May sweeps. "Omarosa, I adore you," he says. "We've had tremendous success together. You helped make The Apprentice. You helped to make me a star. ... But Omarosa, you're fired." His reasoning, it should be said, is that Rodman has a "great story of redemption" — not because Omarosa is the worst. But hey, whatever gets her fired is fine with us!
6. Grossest Mutilation: On the Season 3 premiere of Game of Thrones, a slave trader tries to convince Daenerys to purchase the Unsullied, a group of trained warrior-eunuchs, to build her army. But what's the best way to demonstrate that these guys are tough and obedient? Choose an Unsullied at random and slice off his nipple, of course! Ouch!
5. Most Appetizing Premiere: The first episode of NBC's Hannibal introduces a sharp, understated take on Hollywood's most famous cannibalistic serial killer, Hannibal Lecter, who not only isn't behind bars, but is still working alongside the FBI's Will Graham, the man who will one day capture him. Because we know how this story ultimately ends, the duo's early encounters crackle with intensity and plenty of winky references. Case in point: Hannibal makes Will breakfast, a "protein scramble" of eggs and homemade sausage(!). "I don't find you that interesting," Will tells Hannibal. "You will," he replies... WITH SOME FAVA BEANS AND A NICE CHIANTI (obligatory).
4. Best Confession: It's no secret that Travis has always carried a torch for his mom's BFF Laurie on Cougar Town. But after seasons of dancing around the subject, Laurie finally realizes that those feelings are mutual. "Don't interrupt me, because if I don't say this now, I never will," Laurie tells him. "Um, I like you. Like, I really like you." Travis says he does too, and the episode ends with Laurie simply asking, "So, now what?" Duh, now we drink! What show did you think this was?
3. When Late-Night Hosts Attack Award: No, we're not talking about the Tonight Show fiasco. Andy Cohen introduces a fun, slightly dangerous game on Watch What Happens: Live. In honor of his two Greek-American guests, Rita Wilson and Nia Vardalos, the group plays "Smash! That! Glass!", in which Flipping Out star Jeff Lewis smashes a bottle over Cohen's head every time Wilson and Vardalos get a piece of Greek trivia wrong. Cohen later retaliates, shouting "Flip this out, b----," as he slams a huge red bottle over Lewis' noggin. Um, how soon can he play this game with the Real Housewives? Opa!
2. Worst Use of Limbs Award: The Walking Dead claims two more lives on the season finale. The Governor stabs Milton and leaves him in the room where Andrea is tied up. But even though Milton leaves a pair of pliers behind Andrea's chair, which she could use to free herself, she is unable to before Milton turns into a zombie and eats her alive. Seriously, Andrea, you couldn't pick up a pair of pliers with your feet?! You deserve to die for that alone.
1. Slap-Happy Award: While David Letterman was busy mocking Jay Leno's second Tonight Show exit plan, Leno's one-time successor Conan O'Brien lets it all hang out with Chelsea Handler on Chelsea Lately. Like Sandra Bullock before him, Coco pops up naked in the Chelsea Lately shower to confront Handler about her taking over his old Tonight Show studio. "This is my studio. You stole it, remember?" he says. Not only that, but Conan accuses her of stealing his parking space and back massager too. "I do use that back massager, although I had no idea it was for my back," Handler deadpans. It escalates into a battle of the sexes that ends with both of them sporting black eyes. You have to watch the video to see how they get them.
What were your top moments?