Our top moments of the week:
13. Best Day of the Week: Hard to believe, but Rebecca Black's ubiquitous "Friday" is a rip-off of another song — or so Conan O'Brien claims. In his Conan video blog, the funnyman reveals that he did a music video a few weeks ago called "Thursday" that is vaguely similar to Black's "Friday" clip, with shout-outs to cereal (Cap'n Crunch) and driving in cars (his beloved 1992 Ford Taurus). Not to be outdone, Coco manages to squeeze in his own rapper cameo as well: "Why is there a rapper here?"
12. Best Use of Alcohol: The Real Housewives of Orange County's Tamra Barney sure is enjoying being single again. On the season premiere, she lights some candles, jumps in the hot tub and invites new beau Eddie to join her — in front of the cameras. Poor Eddie — who's new to the exhibitionist thing — takes off his shirt and approaches the tub, but not before an awkwardly long pause while he takes a huge gulp of liquid courage from his wine glass. Come on in, Eddie; the water's disgusting!
11. Most Unnecessary Judgment Call: Poor Stefano Langone's mom! Why the heck did Ryan Seacrest give her homemade Italian vittles to notorious jerk/chef Gordon Ramsay? Of course he's going to trash her cooking; that's his thing. "Mama's not happy!" American Idol judge Jennifer Lopez shouts when Ramsay is unable to mask his distaste for the food. For us, it was the gross network synergy that left a bad taste in our mouths.
10. Weirdest First Kiss: The omnipresent Charlie Sheen surprises Jimmy Kimmel during an interview with Mark Cuban, who was discussing his new project with the former Two and a Half Men star. "Come on, a--holes, up!" Sheen yells as he walks out with "Tiger Blood" and "Winning" shirts for the audience. He saves his best gift for the host himself: a big wet kiss on the lips. So does that make Kimmel a "warlock" now too?
9. Daddy Issues Award, Part I: On Modern Family, Mitch and Cam's night out with their homies (or "homos," Cam corrects) turns surprisingly sweet when Jay shows up to bond with his son's buddies — particularly Pepper (guest star Nathan Lane) — over absinthe and margaritas. Bonus points for the Birdcage shout-out: "Hey, walk Like a man," Jay says. "Well, I can sing it, but I can't do it," Pepper replies.
8. Oldies But Goodies Award: Age is just a number on Dancing with the Stars. After a youthful-looking 49-year-old Ralph Macchio posts the highest score of the week — a 24 — with his foxtrot, Kirstie Alley, who's 60 years young, surprises everyone with a fun, flirty and very competent cha-cha to earn a 23. Look who's dancing now!
7. Best Excuse for a Feel-Up: While congratulating Leslie on the success of the Harvest Festival on Parks and Recreation, the Pawnee city manager goes into cardiac arrest just as he's about to shake Leslie's hand. Instead of a shake, his frozen claw clutches Leslie's boob as he drops to the floor (and just as every local photographer is getting their money shot). The best part? According to Leslie, that's only the second most awkward way a man has ever grabbed her breast.
6. Daddy Issues Award, Part II: Barney finally meets his absentee dad on How I Met Your Mother, but he is anything but the suave "legendaddy" Barney had envisioned for the past 30 years. Instead, Jerry (guest star John Lithgow) is your average suburban dad with an awesome quiche recipe, a penchant for skim milk and an 11-year-old son, J.J., who's named after him— upsetting Barney to no end. "If you were going to be some lame suburban dad, why couldn't you have been that for me?!" he yells. "If you ever feel like you're ready, I'd love nothing more than to be a part of your life," Jerry says. Fortunately, Barney will be ready soon. More Lithgow!
5. Best New Mystery: On Pretty Little Liars, the tension between Spencer and Ian finally came to a head. When Ian attempted to stage Spencer's suicide by pushing her down the church's bell tower, a faceless person in a black hoodie appears and knocks Ian down the tower, asphyxiating him along the way. But the girls don't get off that easy. By the time the cops arrive, Ian's body is gone and the girls receive this text from A: "It's not over until I say it is. Sleep tight while you still can, b----es."
4. Most Heartbreaking Discovery: This is one Kalinda secret we never expected. The Good Wife reveals another whopper about its be-booted enigma: she once slept with Peter. Yeah, Alicia's husband Peter. Remember the good ol' days when we all thought she might be gay?
3. Best Prime-Time Parable: On Big Love's emotional series finale, Bill Henrickson's quest for a happy, Mormon, polygamist family comes to a poetic — and successful — end with his martyrdom by random shooting. His death tidies up the show's unruly narrative hedge: Barb's spiritual crisis is moot, Juniper Creek welcomes progress and the three sister-wives, the real central love story, are united. God only knows what we'll be without them.
2. Craziest Ending: For once, Ryan Seacrest's promise that American Idol's results show would be shocking is more than just hype. Everyone is stunned to learn that fan-favorite Casey Abrams received the lowest number of votes, but not even that shock could compare to what happens next: Randy stops Casey's "save me" song in the middle of the first verse and lets Steven Tyler share the news that the judges are going to use their one save to keep Casey on the show. Casey's face says it all: "I can't believe this." And also, "I'm going to hurl."
1. Best Proposal: In the beginning of Steve Carell's end on The Office, Michael Scott, with the help of his Dunder Mifflin minions, finally proposes to Holly. After a romantic walk through the office pointing out the locations of their first meeting, kiss and sex ("remember what I tried on that step?" he asks), he surprises Holly by fitting her cubicle with hundreds of candles — which set off the sprinkler system. Undaunted, a very wet Michael proceeds, in full Yoda voice: "Holly Flax, marrying me will you be?" he asks. "Your wife becoming me will I," she replies, making it clear that Michael has indeed found his "soupsnake."
What were your top moments?