Yvonne Strahovski, Drew Barrymore
Who needs convention? This was the week of people doing things the weird way — and even the wrong way: 30 Rock's Salma Hayek took a strange approach to spilling your secrets, Brothers & Sisters got tri-curious, and Rescue Me showed us a new way of (double-meaning alert) getting out those back kinks. Enjoy our Top Moments, how-not-to-live edition.
13. Worst Proposal: While 90210's Navid and Adrianna talk about how hard it will be for her to give up her baby, they make a life decision that feels like an afterthought: Why not get married? Goofiest of all, he pops the question over burgers at the Peach Pit.
12. Good Call Award: When Lois gets on the phone with the Red-Blue Blur, Smallville peppers in enough Superman shout-outs to make any Man of Steel fan squeal. As if the phone booth setting and Clark encouraging Lois to find a better name for the Blur aren't enough, Lois asks, "Can you read my mind?" — a nod to the soaring love theme of the Superman films.
11. Best Reason to Keep Disco Dead: We love spending time with old friends, sure. But when American Idol's Disco Week results show trotted out Freda Payne, Thelma Houston and Harry Wayne "KC" Casey (from KC and the Sunshine Band), the little hustle down memory lane came across as more of a stumble. And yet we couldn't turn away.
10. Best-Almost Threesome: As the prospect of an all-dudes Brothers & Sisters threesome nears closer — with the third prospective partner apparently knocking at the door — Kevin and Scotty debate who wants it more. "This is how pornos start," Kevin says. And how they don't start: The person knocking is Kevin's sister.
9. Shortest Cliff-Hanger: Heroes' Sylar seems plenty dead after a knife to the back of his neck from The Hunter. But no, he's right back in action — before his would-be killer can even call in a cleaning crew. And so The Hunter becomes The Hun— you know where we're going with this, right?
8. Turnabout-is-Unfair Play Award: After Rescue Me's Franco refers Garrity to a mousey, "unorthodox" doctor (she treats his back pain by mounting him like a sexed-out cowgirl) Garrity cruelly repays his pal by recommending he see the doctor, too. But instead of the doctor, Franco gets her much more attractive daughter — who uses the same method.
7. Best Catch Phrase: In a cultural-reference filled 30 Rock episode ("My real name is Dick Whitman!" Kenneth chokes while succumbing to a strawberry allergy), Salma Hayek's Elisa reveals her deep-dark secret while wearing a "What the Frak?!" T-Shirt. "I'm so sorry to tell you such a dark tale while wearing such a silly T-shirt," she says.
6. Best Wake-Up Call: While on the lam from the CIA and evil Fulcrum agents, Chuck's Chuck and Sarah crash in the same hotel bed. In the morning, they wake up spooning — and Chuck takes the opportunity to pounce on Sarah for an all-too-short make-out session. If only Morgan hadn't stolen his last condom.
5. Most Unsettling Jack Attack: 24 star Kiefer Sutherland is fast proving he's good for more than racing around and breaking fingers. The actor depicts Jack's bio-weapon-induced seizures so effectively we keep twitching on the sofa. Now when will Tony get his comeuppance for leaving his old pal to suffer?
4. Straight Poop Award: History's Life After People offers one more reason those old people at the park should keep their bread crumbs to themselves: Pigeon poop is so corrosive, it can level bridges. (It may even have contributed to the 2007 Minneapolis bridge collapse.) When we're gone from this earth, the show persuasively argues, nothing will stop these rats with wings from leveling some of our greatest architectural landmarks.
3. Saddest Discovery: We only realize the depths of Edie Beale's self-deception in HBO's Grey Gardens when she insists the producers of a documentary about her family treat her as an actress rather than a subject: "I must be able to pursue other roles, David!" Drew Barrymore's performance is transfixing and heartbreaking.
2. Best On-Air F-Bomb: Shepard Smith, our favorite member of the Fox News family, loses his patience during the usual dry back-and-forth about the national debate on torture. "We are America!" he cries, pounding the desk for emphasis. "I don't give a rat's ass if it helps! We do not f-----g torture!" The two talking heads on either side of him continue talking, as if their discussion has nothing to do with the fates of live people.
1. Fiercest Negotiating: Who knew the man who once burned his foot on a George Foreman grill is the guy you'd want on your side during intense labor negotiations? The Office's Michael Scott treats David Wallace like the AMPTP did SAG, extracting not only a job for himself, but a promotion for Pam and Ryan's rehiring. And he does it all on a masterful bluff, since the Michael Scott Paper Company is broke. Now that's a burn.
What were your Top Moments?