Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries
The latest installment of Kardashian programming, Kourtney and Kim Take New York, premieres Sunday (10/9c, E!), and because we love our readers so much, we've already suffered through it...so you don't have to! The basic premise of this series is simple: Kris and Kim's relationship was doomed from the start. We've analyzed the evidence at hand, and broken down the episode into seven examples of why the writing was on the wall for these two. We then determined a winning party for each argument, tallied up the points, and have selected a loser to blame for the divorce. The evidence, below:
EXHIBIT 1: FEELING MARRIED
He says: "This is so different. I really don't even feel married right now."
She says: "I hope you do."
Winner: Kim (Dude, you just got hitched on TV in front of millions. You're the most married guy in America right now). +1
EXHIBIT 2: THE PEDICURE-RUINER
She says: "Ow! You just f------- ruined my pedicure! Seriously you...my whole toe just f------- broke in half!"
He says: "It's not even bleeding. Kim is a classic over-reactor."
She says: "You always do this sh-- to me, because you're so rough! OK, I know it's just a broken toenail, but this isn't the first time he's broken my toenail. He does it on a weekly basis."
Winner: Kim (Everyone knows how annoying it is to get a pedicure and have it smudge just hours later). +1
EXHIBIT 3: FORCEFUL FRANKENSTEIN
She says: "You're so forceful!" Kim says, as he rips her camera out of her hands.
He says: "You're my wife now. It's gonna take a lot to get rid of me."
Winner: Kim (Being his wife is no excuse for pushy, abusive behavior). +1
EXHIBIT 4: SPACE CONTROL
He says: "She put stuff in the closet...and I threw it on the floor. Just to make a statement."
She says: "I can't live with Kris! He's just like, such a slob. I'm not used to anyone in my space, let alone in my space and messing it all up."
Winner: Kris (Kim -- you're too pretty to be so neurotic. You might want to look into anti-anxiety meds). +1
EXHIBIT 5: THE PARTY CIRCUIT
He says: "She talks me into going to this 'Welcome to New York' party, and she's not ready to go. I'm getting really annoyed."
She says: "It's this fun, glamorous party, and it's important that Kris is a part of this."
He says: "You care about that. I don't give a f---."
Winner: Kim (Come on man, you knew what you were getting into! If you didn't want to be paparazzi prey, you shouldn't have married a Kardashian). +1
EXHIBIT 6: WHO'S THE BABY?
He says: "I can't live with two girls and a baby," (referring to Kourtney, Kim, and Mason).
She says: "I think that Kris is being a baby. You are so immature, I can't take it."
He says: "You can't take it? I can't take it."
Winner: Kris. (He's a newlywed and being asked to move into a hotel with her sister and a toddler. But at this point, I think they're both huge babies). +1
EXHIBIT 7: NY vs. MINNESOTA
He says: "At the end of the day, this isn't working out. I gotta make a change."
She says: "We're gonna live, like, separate? Like long-distance marriage?"
He says: "I mean, I think it's what's best right now."
Winner: Kim (Whoever heard of a successful long-distance marriage in the NBA? I mean...have you seen Basketball Wives?) +1
Kim — 5
Kris — 2
KIM WINS! The divorce is all Kris' fault...because we said so!
Tune in (if you dare) to the premiere of Kourtney and Kim Take New York on Sunday, Nov. 27 at 10/9c.