Charlie Sheen says he's ready to return to work, but is Two and a Half Men ready for him?
The sitcom star let loose on the Alex Jones Show radio program Thursday and took aim at some of the people in his life, including Men executive producer Chuck Lorre, who had run a vanity card on screen after the Feb. 14 episode in which he said he'd be angry if Sheen outlives him.
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"I didn't care about that vanity card," Sheen said. "I went straight home and dispelled that, that was actually one of the few compliments that clown has paid me in frickin' almost a decade. I embarrassed him in front of his children and the world by healing at a pace that this un-evolved mind cannot process. I've spent, I think, close to the last decade, I don't know, effortlessly and magically converting your tin can into pure gold. And the gratitude I get is this charlatan chose not to do his job, which is to write."
Sheen's rant ranged from insulting the women he parties with to mocking alcoholism. Here is the breakdown:
About the women: "If I bring up these turds, these... losers, there's no reason to then bring them back into the fold because I have real fame, they have nothing. They have zero. They have that night. And I will forget about them as the last image of them exits my beautiful home. And they will get out there and they will sell me and they will lose. Bring me a frickin' challenge. It just ain't there."
About Alcoholics Anonymous: "I have a disease? Bulls---. I cured it... with my mind. it's all good guys... I can't use the word sober because that's a term from those people, and I have cleansed myself. I have closed my eyes and in a nanosecond I cured myself from this ridiculous... It's just the work of sissies. The only thing I'm addicted to right now is winning. You know? This bootleg cult arrogantly referred to as AA now supports a 5 percent success rate. My success rate is 100 percent. Do the math! ... One of their stupid mottos is 'Don't be special, be one of us.' Newsflash: I am special and I will never be one of you. 'Oh, we have to all sit in here and touch ourselves and frown.' Well, you don't look like you're having a lot of fun. I'm going to hang out with these two smokin' hotties and fly privately around the world. It might be lonely up here but I sure like the view."
About his public image: "I'm so tired of pretending like my life isn't perfect and bitchin' and just winning every second. I'm not perfect, and bitching and just delivering the goods at every f---ing turn. Because look what I'm dealing with, man — I'm dealing with fools and trolls. I'm dealing with soft targets."
VIDEO: Holland Taylor wishes Sheen "Nothing but the best"
A rep for Sheen says the actor is due back on the set of Men on Tuesday. Taping is scheduled to resume three days later.