William Petersen, Charlie Sheen

CBS sent out a five-page press release detailing November sweeps' grandest guest-stars and teasiest twists. But you're a busy person, what with YouTube and Twitter and all! Who has time to digest 1,946 words? Fortunately for you, I do, and here is my (somewhat-biased) summary of the document's best bits.

Oct. 30: Jason Lewis (Smith!) and Nicholas Turturro (um...) guest-star on CSI, while Oded Fehr (Sleeper Cell) spends time on Eleventh Hour. (Time! Eleventh Hour!! Yes, that's exactly how this is going to be.)

Nov. 2: On The Amazing Race, "A budding romance between competing racers causes their teammates to question their focus" This raises the strategic dilemma: Is there ever a good moment to stop and buy condoms?

Nov. 3: Big Banger Sheldon gets a stalker (Riki Lindhome), The Young and the Restless' Eric Braeden is a Mother father (namely, Robin's), and Olympia Dukakis is on hand when her embarrassed Oscar a wedding ring is swallowed by a small child on Worst Week!

Nov. 5: Tim DeKay (aka Seinfeld's "Bizarro Jerry") returns as a beau of Old Christine's. Later, a two-week story kicks off on Criminal Minds when buried childhood memories surface for Dr. Reid. (Jane Lynch plays his ma on Nov. 12.)

Nov. 6: Grissom probes the shady world of erotica... with Lady Heather (Melinda Clarke) as his guide.

Nov. 7: Ghost Whisperer Melinda "confronts major personal changes." (I'm guessing it doesn't have to do with last year's switch to Hanes.)

Nov. 9: The Unit travels to Iraq when someone close to a team member is kidnapped. (CBS' press release isn't nearly as subtle, but I'm all about the big tease. Learned from Lady Heather.)

Nov. 10: [Cue ear-piercing Xena yell] Lucy Lawless drops by CSI: Miami.

Nov. 14: Pro surfer Brad Gerlach makes waves (I imagine) on Numbers. (TVGuide.com's resident goofy-foot, Anna Dimond, just set her TiVo.)

Nov. 17: CSI: Miami celebrates 150 episodes/700 sunglasses-flips with guest-star Teri Polo (who does a double-take at the sitcom airing just beforehand).

Nov. 18: On NCIS, "a shocking revelation comes to light." Works for me! The Mentalist, meanwhile, "looks" into the murder of a casino owner (all the while impressively ignoring the blackjack tables).

Nov. 19: Criminal Minds features Jason Alexander, Ali Landry and Nicholas Brendon. (Isn't there a Secret Service guideline about those three traveling together...?) Later, on CSI: NY's 100th episode, when a killer targets Mac Taylors, seemingly half of Hollywood guest-stars. No, really.

Nov. 20: CSI's Grissom is called to testify against the Miniature Killer, in a very, very small courtroom.

Nov. 23: Benjamin Linus' "daughter" (Lost alum Tania Raymonde) joins Cold Case in the recurring role of Det. Valens' new love interest.

Nov. 24: Two and a Half Men adds, I'd say, a good man-and-three-quarters when The Green Mile's Michael Clarke Duncan drops by.

Nov. 25: It's "psychic" vs. "psychic" when The Mentalist seeks to expose a pseudo-seer.

Nov. 26: Gary Unmarried "weds itself" to a pair of awesome guests when Martin Mull and Jane Curtin play Paula Marshall's folks.

Nov. 27: Matt eats way too much turkey, promptly falls asleep on in-laws' very cozy sofa.

Crave scoop? Got follow-up questions? Email Matt and Mickey at mega_scoop@tvguide.com.