Teri Hatcher, Patrick Dempsey

If you saw Thursday's "CBS Edition," you know the drill. I have taken a 5,000-plus word document from ABC and boiled it down to the most compelling tune-in alerts — or at least the stuff it was easiest for me to make snarky quips about. Without further ado, the best guests and teasiest twists from Grey's, Housewives, D$M and more.

Oct. 30: On Ugly Betty, Kimmie (guest-star Lindsay Lohan) "finally shows her true colors." To hear Page Six tell it, that’s not all she showed. Later, on Grey's, the Chief gives Bailey new power and new responsibility (exactly as Aunt May would want it), while Life on Mars' Sam tries not to channel Marty McFly when he meets (gasp!) his circa-1973 mom.

Nov. 2: Desperate Housewife Lynette suspects Tom is cheating on her, while Mrs. McCluskey enlists her sister (Lily Tomlin) to get the goods on Dave.

Nov. 3: Jennifer Esposito is forced to give up the title of Best Hair when McTreemy James Tupper arrives for a multi-episode run as Samantha Who's prospective new beau. On Boston Legal, Denny is convinced that a cattle-rancher client is really Valerie Bertinelli... perhaps because she's played by Valerie Bertinelli.

Nov. 5: Dirty Sexy Nick discovers Nola's dirty little secret (no, not the one about Cashmere Mafia). Elsewhere (and as first hinted in this Mega Minute), someone gets shocking news from a doctor.

Nov. 6: On Life on Mars, Whoopi Goldberg takes a spin as a disc jockey named Brother Lovebutter, while Lisa Bonet continues her Return to Television.

Nov. 7: Supernanny is at the wrong place at the wrong time when her clients pull the trigger on a divorce, while the cameras are rolling. (Cue up my Jo Frost video for more.)

Nov. 9: The write-up for this Extreme Makeover: Home Edition involves two families, a rare genetic condition and a coffee shop that employs individuals with disabilities. Note to self: Buy stock in Kleenex. Later, on Housewives, Susan "learns of Jackson's true passion" — and you are correct, it does not involve a comb!

Nov. 11: While dealing with the enormous repercussions of a coup, Eli Stone's latest vision reveals a truth about Maggie's fiancé. Eek, is he Jackson's true passion?!

Nov. 13: A gal pal of Mer's, played by Melissa George, comes to intern at Seattle Grace, while new surgeon/Battlestar star Mary McDonnell brings order to the OR. Later, on Life on Mars, Sam gets a phone call. From his mom. Who's in 2008. And she calls collect.

Nov. 14: Super-Manny premieres! Jerry Seigel sues!

Nov. 16: Julie comes to visit her old Housewives nabe, but instead of flowers she brings professor-beau Steven Weber. Also filed under awkward pairings: Brothers & Sisters' Saul gets set up on a date with Dave Foley.

Nov. 17: Guest-star Cheri Oteri needs some Boston Legal advice when she is fired for voting for McCain for president. Two weeks after the election, will this idea be ironic or painful?

Nov. 19: Fred Willard visits Pushing Daises as an illusionist who hopefully will work his magic on the ratings and make the assorted November preemptions disappear.

Nov. 25: Start the night with the whimsy of A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving. End it by overstuffing yourself with a two-hour Dancing with the Stars finale.

Nov. 26: Speaking of things to be thankful for: Dirty Sexy Money gives us an intrusion by Simon's ex-wife, the possible return of a long-lost Darling and Donna Mills as a social x-ray.

Crave scoop? Got follow-up questions? Email Matt and Mickey at mega_scoop@tvguide.com.