Today's News: Our Take


JACKO UPDATE

Finally, some good news for Michael Jackson. According to a "bombshell internal government memo" obtained by TheSmokingGun.com, a confidential investigation by Los Angeles police and child welfare officials concluded earlier this year that the allegations that Jacko sexually abused a cancer-stricken boy were "unfounded." According to the memo, the boy allegedly told investigators that Jacko had not sexually abused them. read more

STYLE OVER SUBSTANCE

Average Joes apparently do finish last. How else to explain last night's utterly depressing finale of NBC's Average Joe, in which Melana chose a pretty boy (Jason) over an ordinary-looking one (Adam). Her loss. Nielsen, meanwhile, estimates that 17.4 million viewers tuned in for the two-hour climax. In related news, words cannot express how excited I am about Average Joe 2. read more

Question: You recently ...

Question: You recently answered a question regarding Aunt Bee's relationship to Andy on The Andy Griffith Show. My question is, what was Barney's relationship to Andy? There are two episodes in which Barney calls Andy "cousin Andy." How were they related? — Roper, Des Moines, Iowa

Televisionary: That's not completely clear, but bear with me here as I try not to confuse myself.

We know Aunt Bee, who's Andy's aunt on his father's side, is not Barney's aunt because Barney says so in a couple of episodes, which rules out that connection. Other times, Barney tells Andy about his mom's family, and Andy doesn't appear to know about these people. That leaves Barney's dad's side and Andy's mom's side. So if they're first cousins, Barney's dad and Andy's mom are brother and sister.

If they're anything other than first cousins — and the show never specified — I'm lost.

read more

Fear Factor Whoa. Brian Smith,...

Fear Factor
Whoa. Brian Smith, the dog walker from St. Louis, almost took Joe Rogan out. Dude spent 20 minutes and 30 seconds eating a large cod sac covered with live ants. And, apparently, that was 30 seconds too long. "You had to have it swallowed by the time it was over," Rogan said. "I'm sorry. You've been eliminated." Dogwalker stood up, smacked the table and said, "No way. I'm not leaving. I just ate that bleep-bleep-bleep!" Ah, man. It was about to be ON. Of course, thanks in part to editing, it didn't happen tonight. But it's coming. Rogan, watch out.

T-Mobile commercial
Is that Gilmore Girls's Jess Mariano? Dayuum. Guess that's what happens when you leave Stars Hollow — you get tied to a cell phone number and tossed over a wall.

The Hebrew Hammer
Quote of the night: "Shabbat Shalom, muthaf----a!"
OK. So, Andy Dick plays Santa's mobbed-up son Damien, who g read more

BEING SINGLE AGAIN

Indie filmmakers Sofia Coppola (Lost in Translation) and Spike Jonze (Being John Malkovich) are splitting up after four years of marriage. Coppola cited "irreconcilable differences" as the cause. read more

FIFTEEN FOR 10-8

ABC may have jumped the gun on 10-8. Risking the wrath of producer Aaron Spelling, the network has cut the cop drama's full season order from 22 to 15 episodes. read more

TERMINATRIX FIGHTS BACK

One of the women who accused California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger of groping her on a movie set is suing the former cyborg and his campaign staff, claiming they smeared her as a convicted felon when she went public with her allegations. In court papers, Rhonda Miller said Schwarzenegger's actions amounted to "a calculated act of character assassination." read more

RECOVERING

Ozzy Osbourne was badly injured Monday in an all-terrain vehicle accident at his estate in England. The rocker — who suffered eight fractured ribs, a broken collarbone and a cracked vertebra in his neck — underwent emergency surgery to repair a damaged blood vessel. He's currently in stable condition. read more

IT'S RUBEN'S TURN

American Idol champ Ruben Studdard's debut album, Soulful, arrives in stores today, and let's hope the media doesn't rush to compare his CD's sales to that of runner-up Clay Aiken. Speaking of which, Soulful needs to move more than 613,000 copies in its first week to beat Aiken's Measure Of A Man. Studdard's fans better get shopping!! read more

LOOK OUT, CAROL

Caroline in the City alum Lea Thompson has been cast in a three-episode story arc on Ed, set to air in January. Thompson will play Ed's philandering ex-wife. Is there any other kind? read more

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