Desperate Housewives Episode Recap: "There's Always a Woman"
Now that we've got that five-year flashback out of the way (or do we?), let's get back to the "present" on Desperate Housewives' Wisteria Lane. Mary Alice (who I should credit as co-writer of these recaps since she so remedially spells out each episode's overarching themes) tells me that there are dangerous women out there. (And, for a nice change of pace, none of them are the stars of the show!) But there are also dangerous men! Let's suss out the devious plans of all these nebulous characters, shall we?
VIRGINIA HILDEBRAND It seems that Carlos has a special massage talent that has his clients satisfied, very satisfied if you know what I'm saying. As played by Six Feet Under's sublime Frances Conroy, Hildebrand likes his accidental "talent" so much she's offering him $100,000 to travel to Europe with her to be her personal masseur. Once Gaby finds out what's really going on between the sheets, as it were, she charges off to Maison Hildebrand to confront the wanton woman. Hildebrand very coolly reassures Gaby that nothing untoward is happening, and invites Gaby and the girls to join her in Europe as well. She wants Gaby to be her personal shopper, to be paid in dresses. As we all know, Gaby can be bought, so she accepts! Since we're talking about the formidable Conroy here, there's obviously more to this story. Notice she invited Carlos to London and Rome and Gaby to Milan and Paris. Plus, she's estranged from her family, which is TV for bad news. Something doesn't add up. Stay tuned.
ANNE SHILLING Lynette thinks Tom is having an affair, but can you blame her since his real estate agent looks as foxy as Gail O'Grady? Shilling has secured a rehearsal space for Wisteria in Chains, and her presence has made Lynette a not-so-trusting wife this week. Seriously, how many times can a woman check up on her husband in one episode? But every time Lynette is convinced that she's just being paranoid, something else fishy happens, which, despite Tom's big reassuring speech about giving it all up for her, has Lynette packing a bag, presumably for Tom, by the end of the episode.
The ass-kicker is that something fishy is happening, just not what Lynette thinks. Porter, who has a key to the rehearsal space, has been meeting his new girlfriend there to do it. Who's his girlfriend? She's a foxy cougar real estate agent named Anne Shilling, of course! Tom figures it out when he finds a condom wrapper on the floor (on TV, all condoms are labeled "MAGNUM") - everything except for the cougar real estate lady part. Uh-oh.
DAVE WILLIAMS Yellow Satan is so evil he doesn't need a dangerous woman to do his dirty work. He's menacing enough all on his own. "Man, do we blow," says Dave at band rehearsal, and I say, "Yes." Dave is all crazy-eyes about the band, and Mike notices. Dave is constantly pushing for more rehearsal time and designing a T-shirt logo for Blue Odyssey (hasn't he been reading my recaps?) on his laptop. Blue Odyssey was the name of a band that his late brother, Steve, started in high school. (Pay attention!) It seems that Steve was a drug addict who was killed by a fellow inmate in prison. (Sound familiar?)
DARCY When Susan decides to sneak up on Jackson in the shower, in an effort to reconcile, she finds token skank Darcy, who squirts shampoo in Susan's eyes, allowing Teri Hatcher to show off her considerable slapstick skills, as she accidentally knocks the hussy unconscious. (That's the extent of Darcy's danger quotient, by the way. But, you know, themes!) "I brought hot wings; you're not getting any," Susan snaps when she discovers that Jackson has very quickly moved on. Which I was thinking might be a good idea at this point, since the writers really mucked up this storyline. I actually liked them together. But it seems their narrative detour was temporary, as the sickeningly cute and happy couple has decided to start over. Sigh.
PETER HICKEY Orson is one eager beaver over at Mrs. Van de Kamp's. He's bringing in business, marinating scallops, making pesto mayonnaise and putting individual cobblers in ramekins. This would all be fantastic news, except that Katherine needs to keep busy with work because she has no life, no boyfriend (she hasn't had sex in two years) and she's considering a move to Maryland to play Grandma to Dylan's impending baby as a result. Bree meets Hickey, Orson's handsome "college roommate," and immediately hatches a scheme to set him up with Katherine.
But Peter is not Orson's college roommate at all, but a pal from the pokey. It seems that Peter was a surgeon, but is a convicted organ trafficker. "If I'm not careful, this guy might steal my heart," says Katherine, by way of self-impressed TV writers, after they have a perfect romantic evening together. "Well, if he tries, just promise you'll call," snarks Bree in response. When Katherine learns the truth, she begins to cry and repeats her intention to move to the land of Old Bay seasoning. (Aside: Dana Delany's crumple-cry face sucks this season. What happened?) But Bree won't have it: Instead, Marcia Cross and her frozen forehead give Katherine a touching speech about how they're sisters or something, so she decides to stay and make lemonade (out of the lemons of her life?) for the only other single person on the block: Mike Delfino. Hmmm...
ROBERTA Karen McCluskey is still in the booby hatch after last week's unpleasantness at her birthday party. She lies to Edie - who brings her flowers and demands an explanation for the way she treated Dave - and says her behavior was caused by new meds. She calls her sister Roberta (guest star Lily Tomlin) to assist in investigating Dave. Roberta is a little rough around the edges, which is denoted by her animal-print and leather clothing. In addition to rendering bikers unable to chew solid food, she works for a cell phone company, coincidentally Dave's provider. She does some digging, and finds out what we already knew: Dave has a secret.
NEXT WEEK! Things heat up as a bunch of Housewives get bus-ay!
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