Dancing with the Stars Episode Recap: Monday, Oct. 27, 2008
Will Cloris dodge the Dancing with the Stars elimination bullet yet again? Or is the octogenarian's time finally up? More importantly, will I survive my first group dance? Not that I don't believe in the fundamental truth that hip-hop is the people's dance, and therefore everyone should be good at it. (Except I really don't believe that.) Read on to see who busted a move and who busted a foot… (Bonus: Starting this week, my amateur ramblings will be accompanied by the far more professional observations of once and future Dancing with the Stars pro Louis van Amstel! Enjoy!)
Michael Flatley, the Lord of the Dance, is filling in for Len this week, and as The Berge so aptly points out, "he consented to wear a shirt tonight." Phew.
MAURICE GREENE and Cheryl Burke
Despite being midway through the season, Maurice has only danced one true ballroom dance. Can he tackle the Viennese waltz? Cheryl's dress is extra-flowy, and it gets really dirty when a 'stache-less Maurice ends his routine by dragging – literally dragging – her ass all over the dance floor. Berge snarks that he can't do old jokes tonight – boo! Flatley says it's "unbelievable to see the fastest man on Earth do something slow, elegant and graceful." I love his accent; is he Irish? Reminds me of my old… actually, nobody in my family, as the very specific Boston accent has slaughtered any trace of a brogue. Carrie Ann thinks their chemistry is lacking. Bruno thinks he looks like a surfer on dry land; he lacked fluidity. They earn a 21 (sigh), which must be a little disappointing after last week.
Louis Says: "He actually had good posture, which you have to have to be the fastest man in the world. You could see in his face he was trying so hard to get it, but he needs to let loose more. He was OK."
LANCE BASS and Lacey Schwimmer
Lance and Lacey rehearsed in Florida this week in the same studio where 'N Sync once rehearsed. History! Lance's former bandmates Joey Fatone (a Dancing vet) and Chris Kirkpatrick give him some questionable advice. Their jive begins with some questionable choreography involving a banister and a handstand. Their performance is, as usual, energetic, but with all the half-assed gymnastics, something about it seems a little off to me. But The Berge disagrees; he smells a comeback. Bruno says "the Lance" is back on target. Flatley wants Lance to have more confidence. Carrie Ann says Lacey listened to her, and did some good old-fashioned dancing. And she thinks Len – wherever he is (pointing to the sky) – would agree. Berge reads my mind and says: "He's not dead." They earn a respectable 27, their best score yet.
Louis Says: "He was absolutely great, the best of the night. He just was out there, he was great, in the mood and his self-confidence was really showing. The jive is easy to enjoy."
SUSAN LUCCI and Tony Dovolani
Tony "No Buttons" Dovolani's pectoral friends have definitely broken out of their box; now it's time to get Susan out of hers. So he brings her to a mambo club. La Lucci is smokin'-hot in leopard, as she wants to be wild and untamed on the dance floor. Her fringe-y get-up emphasizes how crazy-skinny she is. Out of all the competitors, Susan often appears to forget her choreography, and no amount of mimed tiger claws can remedy that. Carrie Ann appears to ready a harsh criticism, but it's a fake-out; she tells her she broke out of the box. Maybe – but Susan was also so tentative she looked like she was cautiously avoiding the shards of her box's broken glass that lay strewn all over the parquet. Bruno thought their timing was off, and the crowd boos. Flatley doesn't want to dwell on the off timing, and says she did a brilliant job. She gets a 23.
Louis Says: "She's a very beautiful lady, a great person, you could see she was trying to get out of her box, but she needs to do a lot more to stay in this competition."
BROOKE BURKE and Derek Hough
I think ABC needs to do some cross-network promotion going and bring Angela Lansbury in to get to the bottom of all these injuries. I smell a conspiracy. Brooke hurt her foot, and the doctor tells her to rest it for seven days, which Brooke tells him is not an option. Uh-oh. Rehearsals appear not to go well, but I am suspicious, as I know by now that the producers often put together a hot-mess rehearsal package as a surprising preface to a just-hot performance. Let's see. I don't recognize any of the music this week. I feel bad that Brooke is injured because their rumba is, frankly, boring, and seems much more pose-y than usual. There just wasn't a lot of there there. Nevertheless, it took Flatley's breath away. (Really?) He totally wants to do her, so he reveals that he's probably going to give her a 10. Carrie Ann brings us back down to Earth, and points out that the dance totally sucked. Bruno agrees. Flatley does give them an undeserved 10; the others give them also-undeserved 8s, for a total of 26.
Louis Says: "We have had celebrities on the show who were dance-trained, and you can see it. With Brooke, you can actually see that she is not dance-trained, and she still does a phenomenal job. It's the biggest compliment you can give someone."
CLORIS LEACHMAN and Corky Ballas
Cloris and Corky are dancing a vintage cha cha cha. "Whatever it is, hurry up and show it to me before I have to take a nap," she snarks. Corky is at his wit's end trying to capture her attention, so he calls in George, her "once-upon-a-time husband" (does that mean ex-?), to whip the old gal into shape. Their cha cha cha is really weird, and for a second I thought my DVR had sent my feed into slow-mo. I was really hoping that Cloris would give a decent, if not great performance here, to dispel the notion that she remained in the competition for entertainment purposes alone. But… not so much. Bruno reads my mind and says she's the only person who can sell such nonsense as a cha cha cha – "and people buy it." Flatley's dad apparently told young Mikey that he wasn't allowed to say anything bad about her because she's a legend, but he also points out her performance's significant shortcomings. God, I love her laugh. Carrie Ann says it's sad that they lost Toni Braxton for this. Ouch. She gets a season-low (?) 15, but more importantly, we get to see "the hip-hop granny" shortly.
Louis Says: "I've been a fan of hers from day 1. I told her myself last week that I voted for her. Where would the show's entertainment value be without Cloris? Having said all that, it's now time for her to go home. Carrie Ann made a statement that was a little on the mean side, but it was true."
CODY LINLEY and Julianne Hough
As we all know by now, Julianne wasn't feeling well this week. To get Cody into character, Julianne dyes his hair black and gives him a porn 'stache to transform him into a Brazilian god, a role the spirited young actor clearly relishes. Their samba is very athletic, and it gives me pause, considering what we all know about Julianne's health this week. Also: Julianne shows La Lucci how fringe should be done. Carrie Ann thought their samba was very intense, and thinks that Cody is growing from week to week. Bruno thinks they got it wrong, more paso doble than samba. Flatley splits the difference, and gives halfhearted praise. Cody is very sweet in his concern for Julianne, and for a second in my mind I fast-forward to that moment where Cody realizes that he won't actually be able to marry Julianne at the end of the season, and my heart breaks a little for him. They get a decent 23.
Louis Says: "He danced with conviction, determination, and all that, but it wasn't really a samba. It was a lot of straight lines and very steppy."
WARREN SAPP and Kym Johnson
Warren and Kym crack me up blocking out their lover's-quarrel rumba. "I love you, but then I'm angry with you, and then you get me back again, and I'm like, no, yes, no, and I'm like, you're quite pathetic, but I think I still love you," narrates Kym. Ha! Warren says that with Brooke's injury, there's blood in the water. Nothing says rumba like Beyonce, er, Sasha. This will sound like a totally amateur evaluation, but they make some really interesting shapes in their performance. Nevertheless, I thought their routine was a bit of a "maypole," in that Warren mostly served as the brick wall upon which Kym flailed and propped herself. Flatley liked that a big, powerful man could be sensitive. Carrie Ann points out a mistake they made, which of course I didn't notice. Bruno extrapolated on Warren's characterization to paint a sordid picture, but he did notice their mistakes as well. Oddly, I think I liked this routine less than his others because Warren didn't smile. He does better at the more jubilant steps. They earn a 25, and Warren likes "that new guy."
Louis Says: "He moves really well for a big guy. But it needed to be more sensual. There was hardly any chemistry. You can throw each other around and have anger between the couple because maybe he had a mistress, but in the end that could be hot chemistry, but for me, that wasn't there. They didn't take enough time; everything was too fast."
And now – deep breath – the group dance. I'm as excited as, um, me at a all-bacon buffet. Choreographer Shotyme has all the contestants show off their skillz, and as I see how bad they all are, it makes me giddy with glee. Is that wrong? Cody has some beatbox. At least Lance isn't the worst hip-hopper. Susan plays along. Maurice can move. Cloris shows up with a boom box on her shoulders and says, predictably, "What's up, homies?" Cloris says Warren is too big to stand behind. Warren is tippy-toeing all over the place; Lance is dancing like a fool; and Maurice is sweating like a bandit, says Cloris, but she likes the burritos! Warren says Maurice has his own style; it's just not a good style. Brooke has to ice her foot. Lucci says she and Tony are the only ones from New York, the home of hip-hop. Cloris freestyles!
Oh, sweet Jesus, what fresh hell is this? "There's nowhere to run, nowhere to hide," says Berge. At least they're playing "It Takes Two." I think it's an understatement to say that a finer song does not exist. I immediately flashback to the Holiday Bar and Lounge in Geneva, New York, and since this a family show, that is where my stroll down Sketchy, Hazy Memory Lane ends. It's fun to see them all together. Maurice and Cheryl have a nice flip move. Julianne makes me blush with a purple leotard. Lance is rocking a hysterical mullet. La Lucci looks horribly uncomfortable, like someone's aunt trying to keep up with the Electric Slide at a wedding. I think, overall, the men were better-suited for hip-hop. Mostly though, it's all kind of a hysterical mess, which is exactly what I hoped for. Dope!
Bruno says some of them looked "hip" and others looked "hip replacement." And then some other stuff that I didn't understand about MC Cody. Flatley says something inappropriately sedate considering what he just witnessed, though, to be fair, I'm struck a bit speechless as well. Carrie Ann makes her evaluation about her, saying it reminded her of the moves with which she started her career. Because what would Dancing with the Stars be without a little self-promotion? You go, Fly Girl!
So whose funky, fresh grooves moved you the most? And whose less-than-the-shizzle steps do you think should be rewarded with a trip home?
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