Dancing with the Stars, Derek Hough, Brooke Burke
Sure, Brooke has won the mirrorball trophy, but all 13 Dancing with the Stars competitors have won something even more valuable: a public-relations opportunity. How should they best capitalize on the 15 minutes of fame the show has granted them? Pursue movie roles? Write a book? Read on to see our suggestions for each of the TV twinkle toes...
Signature move: Kicking off or otherwise not wearing his shoes
Keep on Dancing: We'd say he should go make a movie, but we've all already seen On the Line (ouch). Instead, how about a nice arc on Entourage that mocks his attempts to make a movie? Perfect!
Signature move: She mostly specialized in wearing revealing costumes.
Keep on Dancing: Following up on her Vegas gigs, she'll sing and dance on the next Dancing tour, but after that, we'd love to see her take the Vanessa L. Williams route and play another Broadway diva/villain.
Signature move: Um, winning?
Keep on Dancing: Since we've no evidence that Brooke can actually act, wouldn't it be great to see her take over the Pamela Anderson mantle? Give her all the ironic "hot-girl" cameos in bad movies and TV shows.
Signature move: Pantomiming sautéing with a pan filled with glitter
Keep on Dancing: All Rocco needs to do to keep us happy is to wear his Dancing with the Stars costumes while he cooks, preferably that pink shirt with the ruffled sleeves.
Signature move: Maurice always has a big, Zen-like smile for his fans.
Keep on Dancing: We think there's a self-help book in the offing, in which the Olympic champion shares his secrets for stress management. (Foreword by Cheryl.) If Oprah catches wind of it, he's golden.
Signature move: Her shrewd, coy "Baby Got Back"-themed booty dance
Keep on Dancing: Actually, we think Kim's fame has lasted long enough already, but if you must, watch Season 3 of Keeping Up with the Kardashians on E! beginning in January 2009.
Signature moves: Cleavage flashing, camera hogging, that scary "crab dance"
Keep on Dancing: At 82 and with an Oscar and Emmys and a role in Quentin Tarantino's next film, Cloris doesn't need our advice.
Signature move: Jumping up on the judges' stand
Keep on Dancing: Cody's Midnight Cowboy cute, but the kid desperately needs some indie-film edge if he wants to be the next James Franco. We picture him playing the younger half of a father-son con-man team or a Midnight Cowboy-style hustler.
Signature move: Anything involving her slender, toned legs
Keep on Dancing: She's already a TV star; she needs to merchandise! Her 62-year-old, Pilates-trained body is booming; why not record a series of exercise videos?
Signature move: Misty's Dancing career was prematurely cut short by a painful-looking Achilles' tendon injury.
Keep on Dancing: For now, Misty should just take her time getting well, and then come back to the show for a future season (fall 2009 perhaps?) and show us what she's made of.
Signature move: His floaty foxtrot and his Cary Grant-inspired hair helmet
Keep on Dancing: Anyone who remembers Ted as snarky political-show pundit Mark Gottfried on The West Wing knows that he'd be perfect for a juicy arc on the third season of Mad Men, perhaps as a loudmouth competitor to Sterling Cooper.
Signature move: Two words: Sparkly eyepatch
Keep on Dancing: Jeff's "roast" segment during the finale was a hit. He should do more of those. What's that? He's already the Friars' Club's roastmaster general? Well then, never mind.
Signature move: That wink!
Keep on Dancing: The self-described "Fat Boy" needs a prominent guest spot on a sitcom. Can't you picture him as Tracy Jordan's jealous/drunk/very religious brother on 30 Rock? We can!
Those are our suggestions. Now let's hear yours...
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