Happy Not a Father's Day!
Everyone's talking about the newest, greatest, most awesomest holiday: Not A Father's Day. Finally men the world over who have experienced the miracle of not having any dependents can celebrate together the special joy of being Not a Father.
But how can you be sure this holiday is for you? It's simple. In fact, there's a good chance you're already Not a Father, but you'll want to consult the following frequently-asked questions first.
Not A Father FAQs
1) Nobody wants to have a child, but how do I know for sure I'm a Not A Father?
The easiest way to confirm that you're a Not a Father is to ask friends and colleagues if they've noticed any of your offspring, or even really small people who look like you. No? Congratulations! You're well on your way to ensuring your Not a Fatherhood.
2) I heard a story about a Not a Father suddenly becoming not a Not a Father. Is that scientifically possible?
Sadly, yes. According to the National Campaign to Prevent Teen & Unplanned Pregnancy, 1,500,000 loud, toothless and vomiting surprises arrive unexpectedly each year, which means that each year, 1,500,000 potential Not a Fathers awake one morning to discover they've instantly lost their Saturday nights, about $15,000/year, roughly three trillion-plus hours of sleep, and their streak of consecutive days without having to go elbow-deep in baby poop. Yikes.
3) I'm worried about baby poop and walking around in public with a fanny pack. Are there steps that I can take to ensure that I remain a Not a Father?
Certainly. Just abstain from having sex. But seriously, there are effective measures and precautions that you can take to help preserve your Not a Father status. Eight out of 10 sexually active adults who do not use some form of birth control will get pregnant within a year. And with my powerful and potent sperm, the number is much greater — somewhere like nine-out-of-10 or even 10-out-of-10. That's why I like to employ some of the following birth control methods:
- "The Penis Poncho" (condom)
- "Sex Mints" (birth control pills)
- "Outercourse" (dry-humpin')
- "The WMDs of Sperm" (IUD's)
- "The Circle of Bachelorhood" (The Ring)
A more complete and scientifically responsible list can be found here.
